I've not written on this blog for most of this month. Part of me says that this is self-sabotage because now I can't even claim to have kept with my goal of writing on the blog regularly for the whole year (I came so close!).
The other part of me says that it is because I've come to feel that this is a futile gesture--the blog had become a place for me to indicate that I still hadn't changed anything about my life. I have remained the same uncertain woman who looked at her 41st birthday and didn't know how to accomplish my goals. My house is messy. My novel unfinished. I have a stack of projects that I say I want to do but I spend my days not working on them. I have panic attacks and and unemployed. Frankly, I'm not looking forward to my 42nd birthday with any great joy. I won't be the person I said I wanted to be a year ago.
I realized that writing in this blog was not helping me to reach my goals (other than the goal to write in the blog). I decided to take some time off (and figured that it wasn't like anyone would miss me, since I have few followers).
Unfortunately, it wasn't the blog that was keeping me from my goals. I remain the same person I was before. Nothing new has been accomplished. Sure, I rolled down a hill (it was fun! it was also on my 41 Things to Do List), but otherwise the time has resulted in few accomplishments.
Breaking bad habits is a hard task. I have years of inertia and fear built up. Breaking through this has been difficult. I have desire to do it but apparently not enough willpower.
I'm going to try again and I'll check in again soon with my report. I will definitely write again as my birthday nears (at the end of March). I want to be heading down the correct road when my birthday rolls around, even if I haven't found my destination.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
February: A Chinese New Year and Another Clean Slate
Yesterday was the Chinese New Year. It is now the year of the Rabbit. While I am neither Chinese nor sure what Rabbits have to do with my year, I am taking this as an opportunity to start fresh.
January 1 is a time when many of us make resolutions, think about changing our lives, and otherwise see it as a clean slate to make a new life.
Back in January, I decided not to do resolutions because I was already spending the year trying to change my life.
If you have read any part of my blog this year, you'll know that I've had a hard time making any progress. I'm all good intentions with little follow through (or I get side tracked and the progress fades).
I decided yesterday that I would take this Chinese New Year as a sign that it isn't too late to change. I can still make a difference in my life and accomplish my goals. I just have to put some honest effort towards getting things done.
If you feel like your January resolutions have been getting a little dusty, do as I plan to do--take this Year of the Rabbit and start off running with your resolutions again. Sometimes we need more than one chance to get it right.
January 1 is a time when many of us make resolutions, think about changing our lives, and otherwise see it as a clean slate to make a new life.
Back in January, I decided not to do resolutions because I was already spending the year trying to change my life.
If you have read any part of my blog this year, you'll know that I've had a hard time making any progress. I'm all good intentions with little follow through (or I get side tracked and the progress fades).
I decided yesterday that I would take this Chinese New Year as a sign that it isn't too late to change. I can still make a difference in my life and accomplish my goals. I just have to put some honest effort towards getting things done.
If you feel like your January resolutions have been getting a little dusty, do as I plan to do--take this Year of the Rabbit and start off running with your resolutions again. Sometimes we need more than one chance to get it right.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monthly Evaluation: Birthday Countdown!
The end of January is already past, and since I was out of town, I did not do my normal evaluation of my progress. Perhaps it is for the best, since I've spent most of these months simply explaining how I've not made much progress and then setting goals for myself for the next month.
Not much different this time, I think.
I am less than two months until my birthday and all I've managed to prove with this year is that habits are really hard to break. Having been one type of person for 41 years, I am having difficulty being a different kind of person for my 42nd year. I wanted to improve some of my flaws, particularly the procrastinating and disorganized part, and find a career/life for myself which I could be happy with, but I continue to be unemployed, messy/disorganized, and procrastinating.
It is very discouraging to find that good intentions are harder to turn into good, consistent action. I am excellent at planning to change. The problem, for me, is always in the execution.
In the same way, I am excellent at planning novels, but the actual job of writing them seems to be much harder to maintain.
Even things I really want to do (my novels, my 41 Things To Do list, etc.) are pushed off. I have started so many projects over the past few months but can point to hardly anything I've finished.
All I can do is hope that my increasing frustration with myself and the upcoming deadline will force me to get myself into gear and get some things done.
Not much different this time, I think.
I am less than two months until my birthday and all I've managed to prove with this year is that habits are really hard to break. Having been one type of person for 41 years, I am having difficulty being a different kind of person for my 42nd year. I wanted to improve some of my flaws, particularly the procrastinating and disorganized part, and find a career/life for myself which I could be happy with, but I continue to be unemployed, messy/disorganized, and procrastinating.
It is very discouraging to find that good intentions are harder to turn into good, consistent action. I am excellent at planning to change. The problem, for me, is always in the execution.
In the same way, I am excellent at planning novels, but the actual job of writing them seems to be much harder to maintain.
Even things I really want to do (my novels, my 41 Things To Do list, etc.) are pushed off. I have started so many projects over the past few months but can point to hardly anything I've finished.
All I can do is hope that my increasing frustration with myself and the upcoming deadline will force me to get myself into gear and get some things done.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Age: Observations of a Retirement Home
I just spent a week at a retirement home with my grandmother. All around me were people over 80 years old. I was left with a sense of gratefulness for the health and time I had left in my life. The people I observed at the home were weak, shaky, and had major health problems (or signs of mental issues).
Every afternoon and evening men and women with shaky hands and wobbly walking came down to the dining room with canes and walkers. There were many more women than men, because like my grandmother they have outlived the men in their lives. My grandmother speaks of being left behind--all of her siblings and friends are dead. Even some of her children went before her. She is lucky to be as healthy as she is, but she is slowing down too.
Looking around each day, I found myself wondering what my life would be like in later years. Would I be so lucky as to make it to this age? Would my husband be with me? Would we have our mental and physical health? Would we end up moving into a home like this one? It was terrifying to think about me future and wonder how my life would be when I reached 80 or 90 years old. Since I don't seem to be capable of having children, I'll be alone unless my husband is with me.
We'll be tottering down the hall, hopefully together, clutching our walkers and going to play bingo or bean bag softball. Somehow, it is not quite what I had thought of my life being like, but looking around last week, I thought it could happen--whether I want it or not.
Every afternoon and evening men and women with shaky hands and wobbly walking came down to the dining room with canes and walkers. There were many more women than men, because like my grandmother they have outlived the men in their lives. My grandmother speaks of being left behind--all of her siblings and friends are dead. Even some of her children went before her. She is lucky to be as healthy as she is, but she is slowing down too.
Looking around each day, I found myself wondering what my life would be like in later years. Would I be so lucky as to make it to this age? Would my husband be with me? Would we have our mental and physical health? Would we end up moving into a home like this one? It was terrifying to think about me future and wonder how my life would be when I reached 80 or 90 years old. Since I don't seem to be capable of having children, I'll be alone unless my husband is with me.
We'll be tottering down the hall, hopefully together, clutching our walkers and going to play bingo or bean bag softball. Somehow, it is not quite what I had thought of my life being like, but looking around last week, I thought it could happen--whether I want it or not.
Friday, January 21, 2011
One Week Break
I am about to leave town for a visit to my grandmother. I'll be out for about a week and the ability to connect to the internet may be sporadic, so I will not be writing in this blog during that time. Next Friday I'll return, hopefully with a clearer sense on what I am going to do in Feb and March to meet some of my goals before my birthday.
It seems that my 42nd birthday is fast approaching. I know that I was fairly depressed last year when 41 came around because it felt like my life was just drifting along. I had no sense that I was getting anywhere in life. Unfortunately, this year has shown me what my problems are but has not found solutions. I know how I am keeping myself from achieving my goals but that knowledge hasn't changed my ways, as of yet.
As I get closer to the end of my self-appointed quest time, I need to start defining what it is I want and how I am going to get it. And then I actually have to go out there and do it!
It seems that my 42nd birthday is fast approaching. I know that I was fairly depressed last year when 41 came around because it felt like my life was just drifting along. I had no sense that I was getting anywhere in life. Unfortunately, this year has shown me what my problems are but has not found solutions. I know how I am keeping myself from achieving my goals but that knowledge hasn't changed my ways, as of yet.
As I get closer to the end of my self-appointed quest time, I need to start defining what it is I want and how I am going to get it. And then I actually have to go out there and do it!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Roots: The Need for Place
As a child, we moved every two years. Strangely, even though that hasn't been true for me since 1980, I still define myself by this fact. Growing up, I didn't really feel like I had a home. I'd barely get settled somewhere, make friends, etc. and we would be moved again. The military does that to families. We always moved two weeks before Christmas, which didn't help matters any, either.
As an adult, things and places mean deeply to me. I surround myself with family heirlooms, hang on to sentimental items, protect my home, and resist change. I also look longingly at the one place where I feel like I have roots--the family property out of state.
The property mostly doesn't belong to us anymore. We have one small corner of it but the rest was sold off years ago. Still, my great grandfather bought the area around 1900 and my grandma was born there. My family visited every summer (to the piece which was still in the family) because it is on the river and became a summer vacation spot. It is near where my grandma currently lives so we visit her and go to the cabin. That's how I spent many summers, at least for a week or so each year.
Next week, I'll return. The cabin now belongs to my mom and her sister. I recently found out that my aunt doesn't want me to inherit the property because I live out of state and would not be able to care for it. The idea of this property going out of the family is hard for me. My aunt has no children and neither do I. We are the end of the line for our family since I'm an only child. There is nobody to keep the place.
I don't live near it but I always thought the place would be mine. I was the only grandchild, after all. The place was roots--a constant which would be in my life forever. Now I forsee a day when it won't be there, for me or for anyone in our family. It's weird how a place I've hardly seen as an adult can mean so much to me.
I define myself based on that location. It is the center, a place I can point to and say "I belong." The problem is, maybe I don't belong there. It's a hard thing to face, the loss of a center, a defining place. I feel a bit adrift. I think I need to think about how I define myself more closely. I've discovered, if you tie yourself to places, it can lead to problems.
As an adult, things and places mean deeply to me. I surround myself with family heirlooms, hang on to sentimental items, protect my home, and resist change. I also look longingly at the one place where I feel like I have roots--the family property out of state.
The property mostly doesn't belong to us anymore. We have one small corner of it but the rest was sold off years ago. Still, my great grandfather bought the area around 1900 and my grandma was born there. My family visited every summer (to the piece which was still in the family) because it is on the river and became a summer vacation spot. It is near where my grandma currently lives so we visit her and go to the cabin. That's how I spent many summers, at least for a week or so each year.
Next week, I'll return. The cabin now belongs to my mom and her sister. I recently found out that my aunt doesn't want me to inherit the property because I live out of state and would not be able to care for it. The idea of this property going out of the family is hard for me. My aunt has no children and neither do I. We are the end of the line for our family since I'm an only child. There is nobody to keep the place.
I don't live near it but I always thought the place would be mine. I was the only grandchild, after all. The place was roots--a constant which would be in my life forever. Now I forsee a day when it won't be there, for me or for anyone in our family. It's weird how a place I've hardly seen as an adult can mean so much to me.
I define myself based on that location. It is the center, a place I can point to and say "I belong." The problem is, maybe I don't belong there. It's a hard thing to face, the loss of a center, a defining place. I feel a bit adrift. I think I need to think about how I define myself more closely. I've discovered, if you tie yourself to places, it can lead to problems.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Disorganization Strikes Again
Disorganization has caused problems in my life in two major ways recently.
First, last night I broke my small toe. It happened because of the clutter in the living room. Something was out of place and I ran my foot into it in the dark. It hurts quite a bit today.
The second problem involves a project I have been working on. I've been behind on it as of last week and caused my boss on the project to be worried. She is now trying to figure out ways to keep better track of my progress. She should not need to do that because I should have had better progress. Instead, I've been fiddling around and wasting time, and not getting things done when I thought I would.
These are not the only times that my disorganization has caused me problems. What frustrates me is that I am worried it may not be the last time.
I need to learn from mistakes and improve.
First, last night I broke my small toe. It happened because of the clutter in the living room. Something was out of place and I ran my foot into it in the dark. It hurts quite a bit today.
The second problem involves a project I have been working on. I've been behind on it as of last week and caused my boss on the project to be worried. She is now trying to figure out ways to keep better track of my progress. She should not need to do that because I should have had better progress. Instead, I've been fiddling around and wasting time, and not getting things done when I thought I would.
These are not the only times that my disorganization has caused me problems. What frustrates me is that I am worried it may not be the last time.
I need to learn from mistakes and improve.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Cute Shoes: A Breakthrough for Me
Yesterday I took a gift card from a family member and bought some much needed shoes. I got a practical pair (the sort of things I always wear) but I also bought one pair of silly little sandals because I thought they were cute.
"You may be saying, so what? You are a woman and you bought shoes. Pretty normal." Actually, for me that was a bit of a big step.
You see, I really hate shoe shopping. I have very few shoes, and when I do shoe shop it is always for practical shoes. I own a pair of comfortable tennis shoes and then two pairs of comfortable black flats with big cushy rubber soles (my everyday shoes). I have a few others which I seldom wear but bought years ago because I needed them (a pair of white heels I wore two or three times with a specific dress for an event, etc.), but I've never liked shoes.
In my list of "41 Things to Do Before I'm 42" I included a line about buying a pair of sandals that were fun. Now I've done it. I have a pair of shoes I really love which may not be great walking shoes but I can slip on for short events for fun when I want to feel special. They aren't that fancy and were actually pretty cheap, but the important thing is that they are totally different than anything I usually wear and I adore them. Having that sort of positive feeling about footwear is weird, but I'm going with it. It's so nice to try something different and indulge myself a little.
I know that the first time I wear them out, I'll be excited just to have them on. Footwear never excites me so it is nice to experience what so many women apparently do--the simple joys of feeling special because of something like footwear. It's silly and I'm not going to be like some women and buy 60 pairs of shoes, but I think that one slightly impractical but fun pair of shoes is a good thing for me. I can't wear practical loafer/flats in simple styles and one color every day for my whole life. It's a boring way to live. Sometimes we have to stretch ourselves and try new experiences. This is my small gesture towards that.
"You may be saying, so what? You are a woman and you bought shoes. Pretty normal." Actually, for me that was a bit of a big step.
You see, I really hate shoe shopping. I have very few shoes, and when I do shoe shop it is always for practical shoes. I own a pair of comfortable tennis shoes and then two pairs of comfortable black flats with big cushy rubber soles (my everyday shoes). I have a few others which I seldom wear but bought years ago because I needed them (a pair of white heels I wore two or three times with a specific dress for an event, etc.), but I've never liked shoes.
In my list of "41 Things to Do Before I'm 42" I included a line about buying a pair of sandals that were fun. Now I've done it. I have a pair of shoes I really love which may not be great walking shoes but I can slip on for short events for fun when I want to feel special. They aren't that fancy and were actually pretty cheap, but the important thing is that they are totally different than anything I usually wear and I adore them. Having that sort of positive feeling about footwear is weird, but I'm going with it. It's so nice to try something different and indulge myself a little.
I know that the first time I wear them out, I'll be excited just to have them on. Footwear never excites me so it is nice to experience what so many women apparently do--the simple joys of feeling special because of something like footwear. It's silly and I'm not going to be like some women and buy 60 pairs of shoes, but I think that one slightly impractical but fun pair of shoes is a good thing for me. I can't wear practical loafer/flats in simple styles and one color every day for my whole life. It's a boring way to live. Sometimes we have to stretch ourselves and try new experiences. This is my small gesture towards that.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Native Hue of Resolution
In Hamlet's famous speech about "To be or not to be" there is a line that "the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with a pale cast of thought with this regard the currents turn awry and lose the name of action." "Thus thinking doth make cowards of us all." (quote from memory)
In January we see a lot of people whose "native hue of resolution" becomes pale and loses the "name of action." Every year people plan big for the start of a new year, and by the end of January these people are back to the same as last year.
I'm no better. Last birthday I made big plans; I started this blog to help me keep track of them. Instead, this blog has become the place to go to explain why I haven't made the progress I intended. The "pale cast of thought" has taken over and I am stuck in this currents that have gone awry.
What it becomes clear to me is that it is really hard to change bad habits. I am a procrastinator and making improvements to this, even when they would really help my life and the projects I am procrastinating on really matter to me, is HARD. I fear failure and I can't fail if I never try. That's certainly part of it. I also find it hard to resist easy temptations, like the internet, books, and TV. I'm a sucker for narrative, in all forms, so I get caught up in stories.
The problem is that my own story is unwritten--both my novel and my life. I will get nothing done if I don't become less like Hamlet--I need to DO, not just think.
I am not alone in these problems. In January I've never had more company, in fact, but somehow that doesn't make it seem any easier.
In January we see a lot of people whose "native hue of resolution" becomes pale and loses the "name of action." Every year people plan big for the start of a new year, and by the end of January these people are back to the same as last year.
I'm no better. Last birthday I made big plans; I started this blog to help me keep track of them. Instead, this blog has become the place to go to explain why I haven't made the progress I intended. The "pale cast of thought" has taken over and I am stuck in this currents that have gone awry.
What it becomes clear to me is that it is really hard to change bad habits. I am a procrastinator and making improvements to this, even when they would really help my life and the projects I am procrastinating on really matter to me, is HARD. I fear failure and I can't fail if I never try. That's certainly part of it. I also find it hard to resist easy temptations, like the internet, books, and TV. I'm a sucker for narrative, in all forms, so I get caught up in stories.
The problem is that my own story is unwritten--both my novel and my life. I will get nothing done if I don't become less like Hamlet--I need to DO, not just think.
I am not alone in these problems. In January I've never had more company, in fact, but somehow that doesn't make it seem any easier.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Things We Take For Granted
We don't think about a lot of things around us that work day in and day out. I don't give much thought to my toilet, for instance. I use it, when needed. I clean it, periodically. However, if the thing breaks, as it did this week, it is really all I can think about. We have a one bathroom house. If the toilet has a problem, it will affect everything you do.
In the same way, I don't think about my teeth that much. I use them all the time. I clean them twice a day. However, I don't generally think about them when I am using them. Saturday night, however, the crown on my back right tooth came off. Try spending until Monday afternoon with an exposed nerve in your tooth and NOT think about it constantly. I couldn't chew on that side, drink things without straws, laugh or yawn, and if I gasped in surprise (as I did at one point yesterday when my husband snuck up behind me and put cold hands on my arm), I will end up gasping in pain immediately afterwards. I could hardly concentrate on anything but my tooth (and the sound of the toilet running--because something is broken).
There are so many small things in our lives which make life easier, better, and in some cases possible at all, which we generally take for granted. Only when they are broken do we pay attention to them.
When my tooth is fixed in two hours, I'll be grateful for my teeth. For the first day or so of use without pain, I'll be thinking about my teeth, but that's probably all the sustained awareness I'll manage before going back into more normal ways.
We simply cannot sustain the awareness (and, indeed, the wonder) of all the things we need to live. You know, our ability to walk is a miracle? Being able to breathe is amazing! Our eyelashes are incredible devices. However, I could not function in life if I paid attention to these and other details of life.
In the same way, I can hardly manage to maintain enthusiasm for toilets, the internet, and electricity everytime I use them. I will notice and miss them when they are gone, of course, and I am glad that I have them (and recognize that there are people without these things), but no one can maintain gratefulness for the little things all of the time.
I guess I need to remember that when things like this happen--when something breaks--that this is a reminder to me to be grateful for them. This has to happen for time to time so that I will know how very lucky I am that for most of the time, I don't have to think about these things.
In the same way, I don't think about my teeth that much. I use them all the time. I clean them twice a day. However, I don't generally think about them when I am using them. Saturday night, however, the crown on my back right tooth came off. Try spending until Monday afternoon with an exposed nerve in your tooth and NOT think about it constantly. I couldn't chew on that side, drink things without straws, laugh or yawn, and if I gasped in surprise (as I did at one point yesterday when my husband snuck up behind me and put cold hands on my arm), I will end up gasping in pain immediately afterwards. I could hardly concentrate on anything but my tooth (and the sound of the toilet running--because something is broken).
There are so many small things in our lives which make life easier, better, and in some cases possible at all, which we generally take for granted. Only when they are broken do we pay attention to them.
When my tooth is fixed in two hours, I'll be grateful for my teeth. For the first day or so of use without pain, I'll be thinking about my teeth, but that's probably all the sustained awareness I'll manage before going back into more normal ways.
We simply cannot sustain the awareness (and, indeed, the wonder) of all the things we need to live. You know, our ability to walk is a miracle? Being able to breathe is amazing! Our eyelashes are incredible devices. However, I could not function in life if I paid attention to these and other details of life.
In the same way, I can hardly manage to maintain enthusiasm for toilets, the internet, and electricity everytime I use them. I will notice and miss them when they are gone, of course, and I am glad that I have them (and recognize that there are people without these things), but no one can maintain gratefulness for the little things all of the time.
I guess I need to remember that when things like this happen--when something breaks--that this is a reminder to me to be grateful for them. This has to happen for time to time so that I will know how very lucky I am that for most of the time, I don't have to think about these things.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
12th Night: Christmas Decorations Coming Down
I always feel sad this time of year. I'm removing the decorations from the tree, taking the wreath off my door, and soon will be taking down the pretty lights hung outside.
It's the end of the Christmas season, a new year has begun, and I must return my house to its normal state.
I like the month I have my decorations and will miss them for a few days. I guess I've always been a sucker for twinkly lights and nostalgia--both of which this season has plenty of, it seems.
Generally I take this time to dust, rearrange decorations, and think about how I want my house to look for the new year. All the while, I carefully pack away beloved ornaments and look forward to their return in December.
Tomorrow is Epiphany or Twelfth Night and Christmas will be over. I'll be sad, but I'll be ready to start the new year.
It's the end of the Christmas season, a new year has begun, and I must return my house to its normal state.
I like the month I have my decorations and will miss them for a few days. I guess I've always been a sucker for twinkly lights and nostalgia--both of which this season has plenty of, it seems.
Generally I take this time to dust, rearrange decorations, and think about how I want my house to look for the new year. All the while, I carefully pack away beloved ornaments and look forward to their return in December.
Tomorrow is Epiphany or Twelfth Night and Christmas will be over. I'll be sad, but I'll be ready to start the new year.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Anniversaries: of years and marriage
We've just reached a new year and many people take this arbitrary moment in time to start fresh and new--to look forward and backward and make promises to themselves.
Many years back in our history, someone decided on a calendar system which was adopted in Western Civilization, and now on this anniversary of the start of the year, we act like we've reached a special date--one that requires self-improvement, fasts, and organizing.
In the same way, we often treat real anniversaries as a special marker to act differently. I'm approaching the 15th anniversary of marrying my best friend. Much like with the new year, I find myself thinking about our life and our future, as well as looking back at the past.
Like a new year's day, this marker, although in some ways almost as arbitrary (after all, we'd been together for longer, including 2.5 years of living together while engaged), still seems significant enough to warrant resolutions.
We're going to celebrate with a quick trip up the coast by train to a restaurant. It will be pleasant and not too expensive and gives us a feeling of taking a trip without the cost or the multi-day excursion.
I'm also finding myself sentimentally thinking of the past and wondering what life will be in the future. I know that there are some things I'd like to change about myself, including in our relationship--doesn't everyone have some problems?--but generally we are pretty happy. I do feel sad about our childless status, but frankly there are signs that this may not be physically possible for me anymore so unless we adopt (unlikely what with cost, age, etc.) I think this will not be in our future. I'm adjusting to that. I always put it off, figuring it would be in my future. Now that it isn't, things look different--generally good, but different.
We never know where we are going in life. We can plan and resolve and think, but life is what happens while we are doing those things. We can only try to be our best and see if we can make it to the next anniversary.
Many years back in our history, someone decided on a calendar system which was adopted in Western Civilization, and now on this anniversary of the start of the year, we act like we've reached a special date--one that requires self-improvement, fasts, and organizing.
In the same way, we often treat real anniversaries as a special marker to act differently. I'm approaching the 15th anniversary of marrying my best friend. Much like with the new year, I find myself thinking about our life and our future, as well as looking back at the past.
Like a new year's day, this marker, although in some ways almost as arbitrary (after all, we'd been together for longer, including 2.5 years of living together while engaged), still seems significant enough to warrant resolutions.
We're going to celebrate with a quick trip up the coast by train to a restaurant. It will be pleasant and not too expensive and gives us a feeling of taking a trip without the cost or the multi-day excursion.
I'm also finding myself sentimentally thinking of the past and wondering what life will be in the future. I know that there are some things I'd like to change about myself, including in our relationship--doesn't everyone have some problems?--but generally we are pretty happy. I do feel sad about our childless status, but frankly there are signs that this may not be physically possible for me anymore so unless we adopt (unlikely what with cost, age, etc.) I think this will not be in our future. I'm adjusting to that. I always put it off, figuring it would be in my future. Now that it isn't, things look different--generally good, but different.
We never know where we are going in life. We can plan and resolve and think, but life is what happens while we are doing those things. We can only try to be our best and see if we can make it to the next anniversary.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Envy: Spoiling the Enjoyment of Others' Pleasure Since 1500BC
I just got back from visiting friends who have moved into a beautiful new home. It's gorgeous and has many features I've always wanted in a home. It's also well above any price range I'm likely to afford in my lifetime, unless things change radically very soon. I'm thrilled for them, but I'll admit I also felt some envy.
I WANT, so much, to have something so nice. We wanted to move to a bigger place years ago but financially we can't swing it. Even before we both lost our jobs, we weren't ready, quite yet, to do it. If we had stayed employed with our last jobs, we might have been ready to move in the next few months, but it's been a year since my husband lost his position and 9 months since I lost mine, and neither of us seem any closer to finding a new one, so we're definitely not at that point now.
Envy. It's a horrible emotion. I found myself comparing their lives with ours, thinking about what I would do with such a house (it really is quite lovely) and wishing I had the sort of money they have. It was harder to feel happy for them, sometimes, because of the negative feelings I had about myself.
I know it is silly. My friends have worked hard for their success and I am thrilled to see them getting settled in a place that brings them so much joy. We are also happy to have them as friends and we've done a lot of cool stuff because of our friendship with them, which is a nice bonus. They are also very generous and they understand our current financial situation without ever making us feel bad about it, so it's not like they are rubbing our noses in the disparity of our wealth. We're currently dirt poor; they are doing quite well. We are still friends.
Still, I could feel a small part of me resenting their home, wishing it was mine, and then having to be trampled into submission by the rest of my mind which knew this was the wrong way to feel. I guess there is part of me that is like a little kid who sees something she wants and has trouble with the idea that it is out of reach. Part of me cried out, "Mine!" and was unhappy about it not being true. I guess this is something I'll have to work on, to be a better person.
Envy does nobody any good. It doesn't help me in any way, and if I let it fester, it could ruin my ability to be a good friend. I've recognized it in myself and now I'm trying to rid myself of it.
My friends' home is beautiful and I hope they are happy in it. I look forward to visiting it again and seeing how they decorate it and entertain in it. They are an important part of my lives and I am lucky to have them.
I WANT, so much, to have something so nice. We wanted to move to a bigger place years ago but financially we can't swing it. Even before we both lost our jobs, we weren't ready, quite yet, to do it. If we had stayed employed with our last jobs, we might have been ready to move in the next few months, but it's been a year since my husband lost his position and 9 months since I lost mine, and neither of us seem any closer to finding a new one, so we're definitely not at that point now.
Envy. It's a horrible emotion. I found myself comparing their lives with ours, thinking about what I would do with such a house (it really is quite lovely) and wishing I had the sort of money they have. It was harder to feel happy for them, sometimes, because of the negative feelings I had about myself.
I know it is silly. My friends have worked hard for their success and I am thrilled to see them getting settled in a place that brings them so much joy. We are also happy to have them as friends and we've done a lot of cool stuff because of our friendship with them, which is a nice bonus. They are also very generous and they understand our current financial situation without ever making us feel bad about it, so it's not like they are rubbing our noses in the disparity of our wealth. We're currently dirt poor; they are doing quite well. We are still friends.
Still, I could feel a small part of me resenting their home, wishing it was mine, and then having to be trampled into submission by the rest of my mind which knew this was the wrong way to feel. I guess there is part of me that is like a little kid who sees something she wants and has trouble with the idea that it is out of reach. Part of me cried out, "Mine!" and was unhappy about it not being true. I guess this is something I'll have to work on, to be a better person.
Envy does nobody any good. It doesn't help me in any way, and if I let it fester, it could ruin my ability to be a good friend. I've recognized it in myself and now I'm trying to rid myself of it.
My friends' home is beautiful and I hope they are happy in it. I look forward to visiting it again and seeing how they decorate it and entertain in it. They are an important part of my lives and I am lucky to have them.
Monday, December 27, 2010
December: Monthly Update
Another month has come around. Every year I feel like time is moving more swiftly and this year has been no exception. The past month has been particularly fast forwarding, with all the holiday season plans and projects. I can't believe how soon my 42nd birthday is from today. I really need to get moving on my projects if I want to feel satisfied with myself when my birthday rolls around.
Here's my status so far:
Cleaning/Organizing: some success and some setbacks. The front of the house looks pretty good (had company over) but I sacrificed a clean office for it as I moved a lot of half-finished stuff in there to make the rest of the house look nice. I now need to pull that stuff back out.
Half-Finished Projects: Still have too many projects to do and a lot of stuff started that I haven't finished.
Jobs: No interviews in over two months for me, and only phone interviews from my husband in just as long. No job prospects on the horizon. I have a few things to apply for, my portfolio to finish, and some references to gather for one job application. Otherwise, we need to work on projects which could bring in money.
41 Things list: No progress at all. I need to print out that list and plan some of them for January. I'd love to have most of them finished before my birthday, like the plan called for but which looks harder to do. I think I have only 1/4 of them done.
My Plan for January:
No resolutions for me--not anymore than what I already resolved for this year-long project. I will continue to work on my goals for this year before I turn 42--to organize myself, get better about completing projects (including my novel), and to find out what I really want to do with my life (like a job, etc). I wanted to explore my life and figure out how to make myself happier and more successful. That's what I'll continue to work on in January.
It's been quite a 2010. I lost my job and turned 41 in the same week. I ran a large event with national publicity (and lost money on that event) while completing several interesting personal projects. I wrote in a blog on a regular basis (something I've never kept up with before--but struggle to come up with content and have few readers--hi there reader, speak up if you are joining in on my quest). I cleaned, organized, and found myself disorganized again, several times this year, and discovered that I have a really hard time with procrastination and completing projects, even ones I claim I really want to do. I wrote on my novel but haven't managed to complete the first draft even with a good start at NaNoWriMo. It's been a complex year.
I hope that I can make 2011 a better year. I know it is up to me.
Here's my status so far:
Cleaning/Organizing: some success and some setbacks. The front of the house looks pretty good (had company over) but I sacrificed a clean office for it as I moved a lot of half-finished stuff in there to make the rest of the house look nice. I now need to pull that stuff back out.
Half-Finished Projects: Still have too many projects to do and a lot of stuff started that I haven't finished.
Jobs: No interviews in over two months for me, and only phone interviews from my husband in just as long. No job prospects on the horizon. I have a few things to apply for, my portfolio to finish, and some references to gather for one job application. Otherwise, we need to work on projects which could bring in money.
41 Things list: No progress at all. I need to print out that list and plan some of them for January. I'd love to have most of them finished before my birthday, like the plan called for but which looks harder to do. I think I have only 1/4 of them done.
My Plan for January:
No resolutions for me--not anymore than what I already resolved for this year-long project. I will continue to work on my goals for this year before I turn 42--to organize myself, get better about completing projects (including my novel), and to find out what I really want to do with my life (like a job, etc). I wanted to explore my life and figure out how to make myself happier and more successful. That's what I'll continue to work on in January.
It's been quite a 2010. I lost my job and turned 41 in the same week. I ran a large event with national publicity (and lost money on that event) while completing several interesting personal projects. I wrote in a blog on a regular basis (something I've never kept up with before--but struggle to come up with content and have few readers--hi there reader, speak up if you are joining in on my quest). I cleaned, organized, and found myself disorganized again, several times this year, and discovered that I have a really hard time with procrastination and completing projects, even ones I claim I really want to do. I wrote on my novel but haven't managed to complete the first draft even with a good start at NaNoWriMo. It's been a complex year.
I hope that I can make 2011 a better year. I know it is up to me.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
A Garland of Cards: Keeping in Touch at the Holidays
I have an archway in my home which I decorate with Christmas cards each December. We string a ribbon across the arch, pinned up in the middle, and hand the cards on the string as they arrive. So far there are 18 cards dangling above me as I walk by, and a small stack of photos and letters on the shelf to the right.
They are beautiful and cheering as a decoration but they mean so much more than that.
For some of these cards are the only time I am in contact with family members.
It's odd. Many of us probably have people we only contact once a year. I barely know some of this family anymore. My parents still go to visit these relatives in the summer but I've not seen them since I was a teenager. My memories of them are vague, but I know that they are family. Each year a card comes filled with a long letter detailing their year. I read it and feel connected. I send them a similar card and we are all fine with our annual tradition.
It seems strange, as I write it, to have family one knows only through an annual card exchange. My "real" family is much smaller--those I actually communicate with on a regular basis. There are my parents and one grandma, with an occasional communication with an aunt. Only my parents are local and we see each other at least once a month (or more) and speak several times a week by phone. We'll be spending Christmas eve and day together.
We're a small family, with an extended family out of state (the ones I get the cards from, mostly). I look forward to the annual card exchange. It makes me feel in touch with my family and friends. As the ribbon fills up, it is a colorful reminder of the people connected to me.
Connections are important, but I think over the next year I need to work on making it be more than just a Christmas card which connects me to my family.
They are beautiful and cheering as a decoration but they mean so much more than that.
For some of these cards are the only time I am in contact with family members.
It's odd. Many of us probably have people we only contact once a year. I barely know some of this family anymore. My parents still go to visit these relatives in the summer but I've not seen them since I was a teenager. My memories of them are vague, but I know that they are family. Each year a card comes filled with a long letter detailing their year. I read it and feel connected. I send them a similar card and we are all fine with our annual tradition.
It seems strange, as I write it, to have family one knows only through an annual card exchange. My "real" family is much smaller--those I actually communicate with on a regular basis. There are my parents and one grandma, with an occasional communication with an aunt. Only my parents are local and we see each other at least once a month (or more) and speak several times a week by phone. We'll be spending Christmas eve and day together.
We're a small family, with an extended family out of state (the ones I get the cards from, mostly). I look forward to the annual card exchange. It makes me feel in touch with my family and friends. As the ribbon fills up, it is a colorful reminder of the people connected to me.
Connections are important, but I think over the next year I need to work on making it be more than just a Christmas card which connects me to my family.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Handmade Gifts
This week I am finishing up a number of small handmade gifts. Since we are unemployed and our families have basically insisted that they don't want us buying them ANY gifts this year, I didn't want to be without gifts this Christmas season and have made a few things.
This year I am doing cookies and ornaments. I just finished sewing my second ornament for my parents.
It is kind of fun and reminds me of previous years where I used to learn a new craft every year in order to make a good gift.
I have learned how to mosaic tile, make glass paperweights, make "shrinky-dink" ornaments, paint custom welcome mats, paint glass candle holders, illustrated cookbooks, and crochet. I've been considering stained glass work, someday. This year it is felt animals for the tree.
I had given up doing crafts a few years ago because the time pressure of my dissertation combined with running out of crafts to try made it seem too hard.
This year I am photoshopping some photos, baking cookies, sewing some ornaments, and transfering some family cassette tapes to cd (audio letters from the 70s, recently rediscovered in a cupboard).
It is always hard to figure out what to do for gifts, especially with spending little to no money (I have maybe $6 in felt invested so far). It also take a lot of time. But it does show you were thinking about the person, and I guess that is what counts.
This year I am doing cookies and ornaments. I just finished sewing my second ornament for my parents.
It is kind of fun and reminds me of previous years where I used to learn a new craft every year in order to make a good gift.
I have learned how to mosaic tile, make glass paperweights, make "shrinky-dink" ornaments, paint custom welcome mats, paint glass candle holders, illustrated cookbooks, and crochet. I've been considering stained glass work, someday. This year it is felt animals for the tree.
I had given up doing crafts a few years ago because the time pressure of my dissertation combined with running out of crafts to try made it seem too hard.
This year I am photoshopping some photos, baking cookies, sewing some ornaments, and transfering some family cassette tapes to cd (audio letters from the 70s, recently rediscovered in a cupboard).
It is always hard to figure out what to do for gifts, especially with spending little to no money (I have maybe $6 in felt invested so far). It also take a lot of time. But it does show you were thinking about the person, and I guess that is what counts.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Holiday Baking and Adult Responsibilities
Is there anything more delicious than holiday goodies? This time of year, it is so nice to be have a hot eggnog or hot buttered rum, some christmas cookies, and wrap some presents.
I think the best part about these treats is that, in addition to their great taste, they are also a tradition--something I yearn for every year. I'm a big person for traditions. I love the repetition, each year, of certain actions or objects--the first ornament on the tree, the coolies, the carols. Perhaps because we moved so often when I was a child and I never felt like I had a solid home or roots, I always yearn for solid childhood traditions.
Of course, as an adult, I find that these traditions come with a price--not just the cost of groceries but of time--the hours it can take to make all the goodies. When I was little, I was not aware of all the work but as the years pass, I find out the work can be time consuming.
It's one of the interesting things about becoming an adult. As a child, you can't wait to grow up and do whatever you want. As an adult, you realized that you have so many more responsibilities along with that long awaited freedom.
So with holiday baking, I find that being an adult is more work, but I also find that I can still get the enjoyment out of a holiday tradition.
I think the best part about these treats is that, in addition to their great taste, they are also a tradition--something I yearn for every year. I'm a big person for traditions. I love the repetition, each year, of certain actions or objects--the first ornament on the tree, the coolies, the carols. Perhaps because we moved so often when I was a child and I never felt like I had a solid home or roots, I always yearn for solid childhood traditions.
Of course, as an adult, I find that these traditions come with a price--not just the cost of groceries but of time--the hours it can take to make all the goodies. When I was little, I was not aware of all the work but as the years pass, I find out the work can be time consuming.
It's one of the interesting things about becoming an adult. As a child, you can't wait to grow up and do whatever you want. As an adult, you realized that you have so many more responsibilities along with that long awaited freedom.
So with holiday baking, I find that being an adult is more work, but I also find that I can still get the enjoyment out of a holiday tradition.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Christmas "Brag" Letter: Why I Like It
Every year my family prepares a one-sheet letter which is sent to their Christmas card list along with a greeting card. It has long been a tradition. When I established my own home, I started my own letter to tell people what had been up in my life. I like these letters. They are a good way for me to have a record of what has been going on in my life over the years and to keep distant family apprised of my doings.
Every year I hear complaints about such letters in the media. There are comic strips that complain about how they are phony and filled with false bragging. People complain that they are pretentious or boring. I don't see it that way at all.
This year I've already received 4 of these letters from friends, some I see fairly often, some I correspond with by email a few times a year. Either way, it is nice to get caught up on what they are doing. I see nothing wrong with annual updates to make sure people know what is happening. I think most people appreciate it.
As long as it is truthful, I don't see the harm. If you get one of these letters, you don't have to read it, after all. Although if you don't care enough about these people to make sure you know what they have been up to, why are you exchanging Christmas cards?
My letter this year will, as always, be truthful. We are unemployed. We volunteer. We ran a big event. Our cat has a terminal illness. We are keeping busy with projects and have done some fun stuff. The good, bad, and ugly will be there for people to see. My friends and family can read it or not, but I like writing these letters and I like receiving other people's letters, so I'm not going to apologize for the much maligned Christmas letter. It serves a purpose and I'm keeping it.
Every year I hear complaints about such letters in the media. There are comic strips that complain about how they are phony and filled with false bragging. People complain that they are pretentious or boring. I don't see it that way at all.
This year I've already received 4 of these letters from friends, some I see fairly often, some I correspond with by email a few times a year. Either way, it is nice to get caught up on what they are doing. I see nothing wrong with annual updates to make sure people know what is happening. I think most people appreciate it.
As long as it is truthful, I don't see the harm. If you get one of these letters, you don't have to read it, after all. Although if you don't care enough about these people to make sure you know what they have been up to, why are you exchanging Christmas cards?
My letter this year will, as always, be truthful. We are unemployed. We volunteer. We ran a big event. Our cat has a terminal illness. We are keeping busy with projects and have done some fun stuff. The good, bad, and ugly will be there for people to see. My friends and family can read it or not, but I like writing these letters and I like receiving other people's letters, so I'm not going to apologize for the much maligned Christmas letter. It serves a purpose and I'm keeping it.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Avoidance Mentality
I've noticed that I can be very good at avoiding work I don't want to do. It doesn't matter that what I am avoiding might only take a few minutes and that I've been needlessly delaying for hours, making myself unhappy over something that could be over and done with, but I can still find a way to delay doing the work.
I'm not the only one. My husband is excellent about delaying things he finds embarrassing or uncomfortable. In our old house we had a large desk in our office which we didn't actually use. We mostly stored things in it. I discovered that my husband would stash things he didn't want to deal with under the desk, where he could find them later but wouldn't have to see them until then.
I took to calling avoidance putting things "under the big desk" and I'm afraid that I am pretty good at it.
Right now I have some work to do. It isn't that it is difficult or that unpleasant, but it isn't exciting and I've delayed it just long enough that I now feel guilty about it. That guilt is not something I like to face, so I delay some more. This, inevitably, leads to more guilt and so I'm in a loop of nonwork which is ridiculous when I examine it but, oh so easy to fall into when I don't examine it.
Examination is probably the key here. Silly excuses and petty delays are harder to keep going in the cold objective light of examination. The problem is that those of us who are good at putting things under the big desk, don't generally like to drag things out into the light of day.
It is for that reason that I keep this blog. To force myself to see what I am doing--sabotaging myself and my progress. I could finish my work and enjoy my internet surfing in peace or I can poke at the internet as guilt festers and more work builds up, making me forced to put in a long day of catch up fueled anxiety.
If you are good at avoiding what you know you should be doing, drag the reasons out into the light of day. They seldom hold up when examined. Then, like me, you can simply do the work--and feel better afterwards, wondering why you put it off in the first place.
I'm not the only one. My husband is excellent about delaying things he finds embarrassing or uncomfortable. In our old house we had a large desk in our office which we didn't actually use. We mostly stored things in it. I discovered that my husband would stash things he didn't want to deal with under the desk, where he could find them later but wouldn't have to see them until then.
I took to calling avoidance putting things "under the big desk" and I'm afraid that I am pretty good at it.
Right now I have some work to do. It isn't that it is difficult or that unpleasant, but it isn't exciting and I've delayed it just long enough that I now feel guilty about it. That guilt is not something I like to face, so I delay some more. This, inevitably, leads to more guilt and so I'm in a loop of nonwork which is ridiculous when I examine it but, oh so easy to fall into when I don't examine it.
Examination is probably the key here. Silly excuses and petty delays are harder to keep going in the cold objective light of examination. The problem is that those of us who are good at putting things under the big desk, don't generally like to drag things out into the light of day.
It is for that reason that I keep this blog. To force myself to see what I am doing--sabotaging myself and my progress. I could finish my work and enjoy my internet surfing in peace or I can poke at the internet as guilt festers and more work builds up, making me forced to put in a long day of catch up fueled anxiety.
If you are good at avoiding what you know you should be doing, drag the reasons out into the light of day. They seldom hold up when examined. Then, like me, you can simply do the work--and feel better afterwards, wondering why you put it off in the first place.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Clean House but Cluttered Mind?
I've been working on organizing and cleaning my house for most of this year. My paperwork has been disorganized and I have too many possessions for the room we have--making for crowded rooms and messy areas.
As I've been trying to get Christmas decorations out, I've been cleaning and organizing the house. My kitchen and office are still a bit messy but the main rooms are starting to look pretty nice, which is a big relief.
However, I've also been finding that I don't feel that much more organized. You see, I'm still cluttered in my mind. I don't have clear processes to keep my areas clean. I don't have established habits to put things away immediately instead of "waiting" and "coming back later."
I am behind in my work and have a long to do list. It is not just physical clutter which causes problems in our lives. I'm finding that out. Instead it may be that my physical clutter is a symptom of a larger problem--a need to get my mind more in order, and the processes I use to get my work done.
As I've been trying to get Christmas decorations out, I've been cleaning and organizing the house. My kitchen and office are still a bit messy but the main rooms are starting to look pretty nice, which is a big relief.
However, I've also been finding that I don't feel that much more organized. You see, I'm still cluttered in my mind. I don't have clear processes to keep my areas clean. I don't have established habits to put things away immediately instead of "waiting" and "coming back later."
I am behind in my work and have a long to do list. It is not just physical clutter which causes problems in our lives. I'm finding that out. Instead it may be that my physical clutter is a symptom of a larger problem--a need to get my mind more in order, and the processes I use to get my work done.
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