Like Most Blogs: not in it for the money

There are tons of articles out there touting the ways to make your blog pay--to earn money for writing articles at home in your pajamas. Indeed, "get rich quick" schemes and "work from home" plans are getting increasingly popular and many people believe the internet is the place to go for most of these schemes.

My mother, helpfully, pointed out that people make money on the internet and I should give it a go. Really? People make money on the internet? Why didn't I think of that? Never mind that I've had a personal website for over 10 years, several other websites for 6 or more years and an Amazon Associates account for 8 years which has yet to earn me enough for them to ship a check to me.

The thing is:

1. most of my websites were never intended to make money. Most of the sites, like this blog, were meant for my own personal enjoyment and to share my interests and knowledge with others who wanted to read it. I don't run ads on the sites or otherwise try to monetize them. I did start up a web-based business earlier this year, you might say, and I've been earning between $30-$100 a month on it since April when I started it. I will probably continue it next year and hope to increase the sales (we have a Cafepress store and Lulu store--so essentially we are designing and selling products online). However, that isn't the way I approach most of my web work.

2. Most people don't actually make a living from blogs or websites. My mom made it sound like something I should start up and it would replace my lost wages right away. Most people will never make a living wage off of their blog or website. Sure, some people do. I read Zen Habits back when it first got started (when it was still good) and I know that the writer, Leo, succeeded quite rapidly by web standards (and he isn't the only blogger I've read who has done well for him/herself with book deals, ad income and other income). However, the statistics show that these people are actually quite unusual. To make money with a blog, I'd need to be working almost full-time on promotion. First I'd need a niche market where I could write good content. Then I'd need to write a lot of good content and work very hard to get it out to a large number of people. If I was lucky I could start to build an audience and monetize my blog in various ways. Frankly, it isn't for everyone and few make it.

I know from experience that it is hard to keep up with writing content for a blog. I write on this one three days a week and this is the first time I've started a blog and kept with it on a posting schedule. It helps that I'm anonymous here and that this is essentially a personal blog--about my experiences and my self-improvement--something I obviously know a lot about. Writing about an exterior topic would probably be even harder.

I may not get any money from this blog--I don't expect to, that's for sure, and have never tried to--but I gain so much more. I enjoy the chance to write for an audience (true, it is a small audience but that's okay) and it gives me a chance to clarify my thoughts--allowing me to grow as a person. That's worth more than money to me right now. If I can become the best I can be, hopefully the money will follow the passion for what I decide to do with my life. It's that passion which I am searching for--this blog is about the life I want to have and the struggles I find along the journey. Money isn't the only thing in life.

Scares and Thrills: Not Just for Halloween

This started off as a scary week, but not because of the Halloween decorations going up. My mom ended up in the hospital. She's a baby boomer and, therefore, not that old. Both my mom and dad should have many years ahead of them since they had me fairly young. However, it is scares like this that remind you that life is never certain.

They are still running tests but so far they can't identify what is wrong with her. Hopefully that means that she will be okay but it is frightening when the doctors can't figure out what is going on with you. I've been there before for lesser things and it is a very frustrating place to be--waiting for a diagnosis.

As we approach Halloween, with its constant reminders of death and decay and humankind's fear of the unknown (including the unknown of what happens after death), this is a good time to remember that life is brief. We need to make the most of it. That includes telling your loved ones what they mean to you. You don't know when an innocent trip to a mall can end in an ambulance ride to the hospital.

Heart attacks and other illnesses can sometimes strike fast and without warning. We need to tell our loved ones NOW what they mean to us--and spend time with them while we have them. There is no telling when any of us will come to the end of our lives.

Pushing Buttons: Family Stresses

I remember when I was writing my dissertation. I dreaded talking to family, especially my mother. She lives nearby and we talk fairly often, but I still dreaded it for one reason. She would always ask me how my dissertation was going.

This is not a bad thing to ask, of course, but it was a BIG button to push. It brought up feelings of extreme guilt and frustration. Even a simple question made me feel horrible.

I have similar feelings now when my mom asks about applying for jobs or writing my novel. I am applying for jobs but getting nowhere. I can't get an interview. I also have made no progress on my novel because I've been too caught up in tasks I promised to do for the volunteer groups I work with (I'm really overextended in these groups but don't know what to do about it).

I used to say that my mom pushes my buttons so well because she installed them.

The thing which most be remembered when this happens, though, is that the person asking the questions doesn't mean anything terrible. My reaction of irritation and guilt is all from internal sources with the question as the trigger.

I have to learn how to deal with the frustration brought about by my guilt of incomplete tasks (one of which I am in control of and one of which I have little control over, since I can't make people give me a job interview).

Snapping at my mother because she asked me those same questions (again! and again!) doesn't help.

I know from past experience that I'm not the only one who has these problems but the only solution I have so far is to remind myself that I am in control of my feelings.

My Mom Turns 63 and Retires

That's right, I may be 41, but my Mom is now retiring. It feels weird. I generally feel about 26 or so, but I can remember my real age without too much work. However, my mom and dad never feel particularly old. 63 is not old at all, but the combination of that and her decision to retire makes it seems like a big deal.

I honestly don't know what she'll do with her time. She has no hobbies, other than reading and walking the dogs. I think she'll drive herself and my dad nuts, honestly. However, I know that it is great that she is able to afford to do this when so many other people cannot afford to give up work. One of my grandmas was working until the day she died for just that reason.

Since I'm still trying to find work (with no success) I think about what it will be like for me, when I reach retirement age. I have little saved because I was in grad school for so long and then I've not been able to find work. We have some money put away but not nearly enough. What will it be like when I reach 63? I don't know. I'm still getting used to the idea that my parents are retiring.

In addition, it seems like everyone I know is losing a parent. Two people I know this week had their last remaining parent die suddenly. There is nothing that makes you feel more like an adult than that thought.

We're lucky. Both of our parents are living. They had us young so they are only in their 60s. With luck, we won't be losing them anytime soon. Still, it's scary when so many friends who are not much older than us are finding themselves without living parents.

I guess I need to enjoy the time I have left with mine, including finding time to spend with my newly retired mom.

Teasing: A Victim Speaks (and Does It to Others)

Gretchen Rubin, over at the Happiness Project, has an interesting article about Teasing.

I had two rather contradictory reactions to this piece. She quotes David Dunning's book, Self-Insight: Roadblocks and Detours on the Path to Knowing Thyself.

“People commonly tease each other, but it appears that people who are teased misunderstand the intentions of the person doing the teasing. Often, teasing is done in a spirit of affection and playfulness, and teasers attempt to convey these intentions through subtle nonverbal cues. However those who are being teased tend to miss these benign aims. When they describe a time they teased their roommate, people tend to describe the action as more humorous and lighthearted than does the person being teased, who instead rates such incidents as more malicious and annoying. The good intentions of teasers are just not as obvious as teasers believe.” (Kruger, Gordon, Kuban, in press) (page 129)

Then she goes on to talk about how teasing seems funnier to the person doing the teasing and how her family did not tease each other. In the end she relates hearing a mother say to her daughter, "Hey, Messy Girl, are you planning to drag a brush through that rat's nest on your head?" and thinking that the girl was probably upset with this teasing.

First, I was teased a great deal growing up. It hurt. I've already related how I was teased as a child for being fat (even when I wasn't, really) and grew up feeling ugly and unlovable. I don't like teasing. People say "children can be so cruel" and they are right. The problem is that most people who say that are merely excusing it as a normal part of growing up--a sort of "boys will be boys" (so we don't have to deal with it). Teasing and bullying are frequently not far apart among youngsters. I find my memories of teasing very painful ones.

I've also experienced teasing as an adult. I volunteer for several groups and, in one of the groups, several older men apparently have a "wry" sense of humor (I guess that's how many people would put it) and come across as very grumpy, even mean. They say things which are probably viewed by them as teasing but, until I got used to the way they talked, seemed rather hurtful. I've since discovered that they are actually pretty nice guys and it is part of how they make you feel included in a group. Recently one of the men has stopped teasing me and I've realized that for him this is a bad sign, because he is unhappy with me because of some politics going on in that group. It has been hard for me to deal with these people because I couldn't really see what they were doing (their intent) over their seemingly hurtful words.

On the other hand, I know that I use sarcasm and teasing all of the time. I think it has become a bit of a defense mechanism. I'm not the first person to use self-deprecating humor and teasing (of myself and others) to ease my own sense of myself. I think I'm being funny but seeing this quote made me wonder if I was inflicting the same discomfort on other people when I thought I was doing a harmless teasing.

Perhaps that is why I only had a shrug for the example which Gretchen gives of the mother teasing her daughter about her hair. Depending on the tone of voice, age of daughter, and how public the statement was made, I just didn't see it as being that bad. I suppose if her voice was harsh and loud, her daughter is above the age of 8, and it was done in a room full of people who were looking at the daughter, this would be a very bad thing for the mother to do. Otherwise, I can see a daughter rolling her eyes at this (see my last post about mothers pushing daughters' buttons) but it isn't much in the way of teasing.

This article gave me a lot to think about. I'm going to watch myself a little more closely for awhile and see how often I am tempted to make teasing comments to people. Perhaps being more aware of my own tendencies will help.

What is your take on teasing? When is it allowable? Is it ever an acceptable way to talk to someone?

Moms: Reflections on Mother's Day

I love my mom. She has been a best friend for most of my life. Being an only child who moved frequently, I spent a lot of time with my mom.

One thing we did was we shopped together. When I was a teenager, we even shared clothes. She was fairly young when she had me and she has always looked (and acted) a bit younger than her age so most people presume she is my sister.

We look alike, although she is taller and thinner than I am. She is also more outgoing. I was shy and she never understood that. She also had been very thin and tall growing up and pushed me to be both thinner and more outgoing. She never understood what I was going through.

Some people say that the reason parents push all of your buttons is because they installed them. Perhaps that is true. Certainly, my mother drives me crazy. She can irritate the heck out of me. I find it frustrating that she does not understand or value the things which I value. She thinks my hobbies are weird or boring (or both). I find myself constantly wanting her approval but frustrated by her.

As Mother's Day approaches, I think about three important women in my life:
1. My Mom, a wonderful woman who pushes all of my buttons
2. My Grandmother--every year I fear I will lose her (and every year she gets more cranky and difficult, as her health gets worse) and since she lives out of state, I hardly ever see her (and miss her terribly)
3. My Mother-in-Law--I love her and I am close to her but she is also very difficult sometimes

These three wonderful but difficult women are a major part of my life. It is funny how much someone can get under your skin--both in the sense of closeness and also irritation. Maybe it is impossible to do one with out the other. They drive me crazy but my life would be emptier without them.

I'm sure I drive them crazy too, sometimes. I know with my mom it is true. I cringe to think of it, but I was terrible about saying how old she was all the time I was growing up. When she was in her 20s and 30s I would be going on about "how was it when you came over on the Mayflower?" or "Can you tell me more about the dinosaurs since you were there?" When she turned 40, we threw a huge gag birthday party with "Over the Hill" decorations and we greeted her at the door with a wheelchair and gave her a cane. Once I got to 30 and realized how young she had been (thinking about what age I had been when teasing her and therefore what age she would have been then), I'm embarrassed. When my Mom was my age (41), I was 19. I could easily have a 19 year old daughter.....yikes!

I am not a mother and may never be one, at this rate. However, I do have three women who are important to me. I am sure that you have some women in your life who have made a difference. Like me, you may find that they are also sometimes difficult women who have done things to annoy you. However, as Mother's Day approaches, I think it is a good time to stop and think about these women and how we can show them that they make a difference in our lives.

I'm doing a breakfast for my Mom and MIL to celebrate their role in my life. I'm going to send a card to Grandma and also give her a call. It's a good time to reach out and make sure that these connections stay strong because despite any irritations, they are connections worth having.