The Native Hue of Resolution

In Hamlet's famous speech about "To be or not to be" there is a line that "the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with a pale cast of thought with this regard the currents turn awry and lose the name of action." "Thus thinking doth make cowards of us all." (quote from memory)

In January we see a lot of people whose "native hue of resolution" becomes pale and loses the "name of action." Every year people plan big for the start of a new year, and by the end of January these people are back to the same as last year.

I'm no better. Last birthday I made big plans; I started this blog to help me keep track of them. Instead, this blog has become the place to go to explain why I haven't made the progress I intended. The "pale cast of thought" has taken over and I am stuck in this currents that have gone awry.

What it becomes clear to me is that it is really hard to change bad habits. I am a procrastinator and making improvements to this, even when they would really help my life and the projects I am procrastinating on really matter to me, is HARD. I fear failure and I can't fail if I never try. That's certainly part of it. I also find it hard to resist easy temptations, like the internet, books, and TV. I'm a sucker for narrative, in all forms, so I get caught up in stories.

The problem is that my own story is unwritten--both my novel and my life. I will get nothing done if I don't become less like Hamlet--I need to DO, not just think.

I am not alone in these problems. In January I've never had more company, in fact, but somehow that doesn't make it seem any easier.

Pushing Buttons: Family Stresses

I remember when I was writing my dissertation. I dreaded talking to family, especially my mother. She lives nearby and we talk fairly often, but I still dreaded it for one reason. She would always ask me how my dissertation was going.

This is not a bad thing to ask, of course, but it was a BIG button to push. It brought up feelings of extreme guilt and frustration. Even a simple question made me feel horrible.

I have similar feelings now when my mom asks about applying for jobs or writing my novel. I am applying for jobs but getting nowhere. I can't get an interview. I also have made no progress on my novel because I've been too caught up in tasks I promised to do for the volunteer groups I work with (I'm really overextended in these groups but don't know what to do about it).

I used to say that my mom pushes my buttons so well because she installed them.

The thing which most be remembered when this happens, though, is that the person asking the questions doesn't mean anything terrible. My reaction of irritation and guilt is all from internal sources with the question as the trigger.

I have to learn how to deal with the frustration brought about by my guilt of incomplete tasks (one of which I am in control of and one of which I have little control over, since I can't make people give me a job interview).

Snapping at my mother because she asked me those same questions (again! and again!) doesn't help.

I know from past experience that I'm not the only one who has these problems but the only solution I have so far is to remind myself that I am in control of my feelings.

Anticipation: It's Making Me Wait

One of the things I've been doing for this big event I'm helping plan is to make various t-shirt designs, pamphlets, books, etc. to be sold at the event. It's been great fun to be creative and produce some beautiful work which other people are buying.

I've already received copies of several things I've made and I'm really excited about it. I've held in my hand posters, postcards, greeting cards, t-shirts, tiles, and books--all of which I played a major part in designing (CafePress and Lulu are wonders for printing things you can dream up and making them "on demand"). It's been very exciting.

We are waiting for two more shipments of merchandise and one arrives today.

This has made me think about anticipation--the delights of it (and its negative side). As we've ordered each batch of things, I've always had great anticipation about its arrival. We've laid a lot of money into these things and until you hold them in your hands you can't be certain they will turn out as you planned them to be. A mistake could be made, after all. I'm new to this so I could make a mistake or the printing company could. Also, the excitement about designing actual products is pretty high so I look forward to each item. When it looks good, I'm ecstatic.

Part of anticipation is fear of the unknown (but more of the good side). We don't know what is coming for sure, but we are looking forward to it. We are anxious for it to get here so we can actually experience it.

The fear I've experienced in the past has often been the fear of the unknown with the negative side of anticipation (the belief that what is coming may not be good and the dread of it coming). For instance, I used to have an overwhelming fear come over me whenever I'd have to go visit the Chair of my dissertation committee. Since I'd been having trouble with her for a long time by that point, the night before I'd go to see her I'd often wake up in the middle of the night and spend the rest of the night vomiting. This was the negative side of anticipation. Because I was NOT looking forward to something (and fearing the unknown), I'd get sick to my stomach.

Now I'm experiencing the positive side. I still don't know what is coming but I'm generally positive about it.

I always said that it was the unknown that was my problem, but I think now that it was my general feeling that the outcome would be bad (even if it turned out not to be) while here my general feeling is one of pleasure (I believe it will be a good event). The unknown is strong in both cases, but it is my overall sense of what I think it will be that governs my reaction.

So I sit here this morning, a little anxious that the product arriving today will look good, but generally excited and happy. It feels a little like Christmas Eve. I can hardly wait to unwrap my presents.

I have heard the quote "There is nothing so bad but thinking makes it so." Perhaps that is what we should learn from this. What drives anticipation from a positive emotion to a negative emotion is the belief in the general outcome of what is being anticipated. If we believe it is likely to be bad, our anticipation becomes more like dread. I need to work on thinking more realistically and/or positively about upcoming events so that I don't needlessly spend time vomiting over things that will never happen.

I'd much rather experience the positive side of anticipation, like I am today.

Thoughts on Dads: Changing Relationships

When I think of my father during my childhood, the thing I remember most is the snapping of the fingers. That was the sign that I had done something wrong.

I hated that snapping finger sound. It would shut me down very quickly. I learned to obey the finger snaps or face an unhappy dad.

When I was growing up, my dad was really two men to me. On the one hand, I have memories of washing the car with him, laughing as he chased me with the hose, or being swung around in play. I'd chase after him, taunting him with cartoon songs, and he'd pick me up and yell "tickle monster" and tickle me until I was shrieking to get away. I loved it.

On the other hand, he was very strict and I was terrified of him. I walked on egg shells when my dad was in a bad mood (too often) and avoided disturbing him, at all costs. I would break into tears if he so much as raised his voice at me and dreaded the snapping of his fingers.

He never raised a hand to me, that I can remember. He probably didn't even raise his voice at me as much as other people have experienced in their lives.

I've always been "too sensitive" (so I am told) and break into tears very easily. Conflict, anger, raised voices--these are things I dread and will avoid at almost any cost.

I was actually afraid of my dad even as a teenager. I can remember this clearly. I wanted to watch TV but Mom was watching TV in the living room so she said I should ask Dad, who was reading in his den (where the other TV was). I didn't want to. It meant disturbing Dad. I was very reluctant to ask for anything for fear that it would upset him. I don't know why the fear grew so strong, but it did.

This started to change at some point after I moved out of their home (after college). I don't think my dad was very good with kids (probably hadn't been around a lot of them, much like my own background). Once I was an adult, he could relate to me better. Also, as an adult, I now recognize that my father probably suffered from depression when he was younger and his frequent mood swings and frustrations were probably related to that.

I don't know quite when it happened, but I've become a friend to my father. My dad is now the parent I can count on to be supportive. If I have an event, my dad is the one most likely to be interested in what I am doing, the one to ask about it, the one to volunteer to help with it. My mom, whom I was so close to growing up, often acts like I'm weird or boring when my interests are brought up. She's even actively seemed to get in the way of my dad helping out at my events, insisting that he has errands to run or other duties to do at home that day, even when he said he would be available.

I'm thankful for this new relationship with my dad. He seems to be a happier and more easy going guy than he was when he was young. Plus he hasn't snapped his fingers at me once in years. (I'm ashamed to admit that I snap my fingers at my cats to get them to stop something--a learned reaction from my childhood I guess. I hope that if I ever had a child, I'd be able to stop myself from clicking my fingers at my little one).

This Sunday, when Father's Day comes around, I think it is a good time to stop and think about our family and our relationships with them. Things can change between people over time. If some of your relationships are strained, perhaps it is time to examine them again and see if there is any way to improve them.

While I recognize that some relationships (abusive ones, for instance) are not salvageable, I do think that holidays about families, like Father's Day, is a good time to see if any of the other, less toxic, strained relationships can be repaired.

Maybe you will find, as I have, that people change and so can how we relate to each other.

Outside Your Comfort Zone: How to Be Your Best Self

Last night I was at a nightclub. I'm 41 and this is the first time I think I can say that particular phrase. Better, last night I was at a Steampunk-themed event at a nightclub until midnight. There--I said it--I was outside of my comfort zone.

Comfort zones--we all have them. There is our normal life and routine which we have gotten pretty used to. We have normal ways of approaching things, normal clothes, normal bedtimes, etc. It can make you feel uneasy when you go outside these normal routines.

I'm a fairly quiet person. I like to stay at home and read, watch tv, or surf the internet. I'm also relatively shy (something I've been working on stretching by doing various drama-related things and costume/acting events).

However, last night I was at an event, in costume, talking to at least 20 strangers (mostly--I had met a few before). They played music unlike the sort of things I listen to (if you remember my "golden shelf" post, I like the familiar routine of 80s music).

It was a great time. I had a lot of fun. I will probably want to do it again sometimes. So it was a great night and also a great victory.

Why a victory? My list of "41 Things to Do Before I'm 42" is partly about trying new things and getting outside of my comfort zone. I think we can not grow as people if we do not try new things from time to time. Since I deal with a great deal of fear and anxiety all of the time, I find that pushing myself to do new things can be very freeing.

I find that I gain strength when I try things like this and find that I enjoy it. I can look back at events like this and remind myself of the enjoyment. It helps me go on to do more things, to try more new experiences, and to face down any fears that may be holding me back.

I think of it like this. I am a flower (in my mind, a daffodil because they are very cheery, loud, but a bit dumb). My fears are like a ceramic pot which is too small for me to grow in. In order for my roots to have room to grow and allow me to flourish, I have to keep increasing the size of my ceramic pot. New experiences allow me to increase the size of that ceramic pot, allow my roots to stretch out a bit more, and allow me to be the best flower I can be.

If I let my fears overwhelm me, then the pot is shrinking and it causes my roots to grow inward. If you have ever taken a root-bound plant out of a pot, you know what that becomes. The roots grow in tiny circles into the shape of the pot and strangle the plant. The roots become like the pot itself, essentially making the plant become part of the pot. My fears and I will become one if I don't keep trying to fight them, to grow past them, to keep pushing outside my comfort zone just a little and learn that I am stronger than my fears and they can not hold me back.

Last night I stretched my roots out a little and it felt good.

Go out today and see if you can stretch your roots out a little and be the best flower you can be.

----
If you are unfamiliar with the term Steampunk, here are some links which should answer any questions:

Steampunk Ghostbusters
Steampunk Laptop
Steampunk House Interior

Hard Work Pays Off, Or So They Say: Why the Journey Is So Painful

The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born in pain." -G'Kar, Babylon 5

I am fighting against chaos and despair in my own life in the attempt to make my dreams a reality. So are you, probably. It is part of life, if we are striving for goals or seeking to be a better person. I suppose there are people who are just going through life without trying to reach a goal, but I am not one of them.

The thing about reaching for goals is that it is painful. We seldom just get things handed to us in this world. Instead we have to work hard, lose sleep, agonize over decisions, and sometimes suffer physical pain.

I've lately been thinking a lot about how to reach goals and the journeys one takes in life. If, as Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living," I guess my life is worth living; it is definitely being examined.

I was wondering why it is always so hard to change habits, make progress on new projects, or keep progressing towards goals. I thought about the old axioms about hard work paying off and "nothing worth doing is ever easy" and wondered--why? Why is the future "born in pain"?

Perhaps it is that we will only appreciate things when we can say we overcame obstacles. Just like we can really only know happiness if we also know its opposite (otherwise we'd only have the middle ground of nothing--it takes the highs and the lows to help us define our experiences), perhaps we can only truly appreciate the journey if there were difficulties along the way.

Or perhaps it is because there must be obstacles in order for us to grow. It might be that we only learn and grow through the failures, difficulties and struggles. If life and what we wanted from life came easily (like with "The Secret" where you apparently just visualize what you want and -magically- it is yours), then we would neither learn anything nor appreciate what we have. I suppose it would be like we were spoiled children handed anything we asked for without having to do chores or learn to wait our turn. That is not a world I would want, where everyone was like a spoiled child.

The obstacles and hard work also means that not everyone will continue on in the face of adversity. The sad fact is that we will fail, at least some of the time. We will either fail in execution or fail to even follow through and try (I'm just as likely to have difficulty starting something as have difficulty finishing something successfully--there are two types of failing involved there). This means that there are real consequences to our actions.

I can hear some people objecting. Of course, some people do have life handed to them, it seems, and other people work hard and struggle and still don't succeed for reasons that have nothing to do with their effort or worthiness. These are both very true. Life is not fair, despite what we might wish. If you can stand another Babylon 5 quote (it is one of my favorite shows of all time), "You know, I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, wouldn't it be much worse if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe" (Marcus Cole, B5). I think this sums it up pretty well. Life may be unfair and we may not like that fact, but we can't fight it. The best we can do is work hard and hope that we will succeed despite this unfairness. If life were fair, it might not look nearly as nice as we'd like to think, anyways.

What does all of these theoretical musings mean to my life, right now? First, I'm trying to turn my life around and find a way to decide what goals I really want in life and how to reach them. This will almost certainly result in some discomfort, emotionally and physically. Whether this is my difficulties in getting my writing done to dragging my heels about how much I hate to organize my office, the journey will almost certainly involve tedium, hard work, and discomfort. What I need to remember is that the pain is a necessary component, not a sign to give up. In fact, the pain can be a sign that I need to continue. I will only grow as a person if I push myself out of my comfort zone a bit and stretch myself mentally and physically.

I could continue to live a perfectly calm existence of watching TV and continuing down the path I've always known. I might have a very normal life, much like others around me. I'd drift through various jobs, wake up each day and do my work, goof off a bit, and then go to bed. It sounds rather peaceful. If I didn't have so many things I want to do with my life, it might be enough. For some people it probably is enough, but it isn't enough for me.

Is it enough for you? If not, there might be some pain ahead of you, but don't let it stop you from continuing to push forward. It is just part of the process and a sign that you are learning and growing. It might even lead to success.

The Fantasy of What I Could Be

About two years ago I read a fabulous life-changing article called:

The Fantasy of Being Thin

I had the FoBT in spades. Like many women, I was waiting for my life to begin after I lost weight. I needed a new coat, for instance, but didn't want to spend the money until I lost 20-40 pounds. I had so many plans but felt like they wouldn't be able to come true (or wouldn't really count) until I lost some weight.

I can remember as a child hearing "you are such a pretty girl, if you just....." There was always a qualifying statement. Need to stand up straighter. Need to lose some weight. Need to close my mouth. Need to ....whatever.

Never mind that I wasn't very overweight as a child. I look back now on those pictures and I am shocked. Sure, I was never petite. I was tall for my age and my bones are thick so I could be skin and bones and I would never be described as "delicate." I was a little chubby, perhaps, but never by much--not until years of dieting and hating myself caused more weight gain in my late teens (particularly once I was in college).

Still, like many young girls, I suffered through a lot of teasing as a child. We moved a lot; I was an only child. I was probably too smart for my own good (smarts are really not valued in women until college age or older--let's face it, smart young girls find things can be a bit tough). I was impossibly shy and rather scared of life. One of my big problems was that I believed myself to be fat. In fact, I believed I wasn't just a little fat, but so fat that no one could possibly love me, let alone like me. I was convinced of it and it shaped my world.

Fast forward to a year or two ago, when I stumbled across a little article (linked above) that told me that I could learn to accept who I am today and get on with my life. I shouldn't have to wait for some mythical fantasy of what my life could be like when I accomplished the things I wanted (like weight loss) but could do the stuff I want now, if I would just believe in myself as I am now.

Powerful stuff.

I wanted to share it with all of you out there who might stumble across my blog. Whatever things have been holding you back--the Fantasy which will make your life better--when you get more money or lose weight or finish your education or find a boyfriend or ....whatever. You need to give that fantasy up. It doesn't mean that you won't get more money or finish your education or whatever the Fantasy is. I'm not telling you to give these things up, necessarily.

I am asking you to stop waiting for that mythical point when you will have "arrived" and life will be better because you've gotten that Fantasy. You need to accept who you are NOW, right now, in this stage of your journey. Do the things you have been wanting to do.

I have a beautiful coat which makes me feel sexy. I didn't have to wait until I lost weight. If I should lose weight in the future, I can get a new coat. Then again, the same goes with if I gain weight. Really, my life will go on just the same. There are things out there I need to do and I can't sit around and put life on hold because of some goal which may or may not be reasonable.

Learning to love myself is a difficult journey, one that I don't manage to the same extent every day, probably nobody does. I can't say that I don't look in the mirror and think I'd be better if I just lost a few pounds. That thought does come back. Old habits are hard to break.

However, I urge everyone to do as I am trying to do--work on self-acceptance and live life to the fullest now--as you are now. Because who you are now is worth it. We are worth it--just as we are.

P.S.: Before I get a bunch of comments about losing weight and how I should go about it, please look at the same site's FAQ and some of the links there. Thanks.

Fear, Procrastination, and Getting Started

Fear. Considering how often I've mentioned it since I started this blog, you might think it rules my life.

I suppose in some ways it does (or at least, it has) but the main reason why I've been focusing on it is because I think it is a main reason why many of us don't pursue our goals.

We fear failure; sometimes we even fear success. We fear pain and death. Many people fear being alone and will accept being in a bad relationship rather than face loneliness. I saw a family member freak out during the earthquake on Sunday--sheer panic took over and she was hyperventilating, squeezing her husband's shirt so hard he thought she was going to strangle him, and squealing for the full 30 seconds of that earthquake. It was a bad earthquake in Baja, California, but where we were it caused very little damage in our city and caused no damage in her house or ours. However, it did bring out fear. She spent the rest of the evening asking if we thought an aftershock would come, and if it did, when would it strike. Since they are impossible to predict, we just did our best to comfort her.

I know that I've had some really bad times with fear at earlier times in my life (as I explained in a recent post). I've been working on facing these fears and getting beyond them, as much as possible.

Since I lost my job last week, I thought I'd be facing a lot of new fears. Perhaps I will soon, if I don't find work after awhile, but so far it has been kind of nice.

However, I know that I still have to fight my great enemy, procrastination. Too often fear leads to procrastination. I've read about it many times and know all of the tricks one is supposed to use. However, most of them don't really work if you've let the habit of procrastination take hold of your life and/or you are plagued by fears. I know this from the years I spent writing my dissertation. Fear and procrastination can control your life and, even when you recognize the problem, it can be hard to do what you need to do.

Here are a few things that have worked for me:

* I make lists. This gives me a sense of control and a reward for doing something--I get to cross something off my list!)

* I set a timer. Sometimes I can avoid the internet/email siren call by setting a timer for tasks. I tell myself, "I'll work on this for 30 minutes. When the timer goes off, I'll take a 10 minute break (also on timer) where I get to do internet stuff." I can have a very productive afternoon if I remember to set the timer, actually pay attention to it when it rings, and pick useful stuff to do (not just busy work that seems productive, but actual things that matter).

* I tell myself "I just need to get started." Instead of saying, "I'm going to clean the office," I say, "I'm just going to start cleaning the office today by putting away file folders for a few minutes." Sometimes that is just enough to break past my unwillingness to do what seems like a long and painful task. Even if I only put way the file folders, at least the office is a little better and I can do another portion later. Good chance is that I did more that just the one item, though, once I got started.

* I set deadlines. This only has worked for me when they are REAL deadlines, unfortunately. When my dissertation chair gave me firm deadlines with real consequences, I finally started making good progress on my dissertation. Otherwise, it was too easy to put it off or just work on it a bit more because it could be better. I've tried setting monthly deadlines to share writing projects with my husband but neither of us took them seriously and so we haven't followed through on this even once since I suggested it. I'm going to reexamine this idea and see if we can't do it for real, starting with the next date (I chose the "Ides" of the month--so we had to show at least 4 pages of progress in our writing every 15th of the month). Since my husband and I have similar problems with our projects, the deadline was supposed to help us but instead both of us blew it off and it didn't work.

As you can see, each of these tips is really a psychological trick to get past a mind block and get a project started.

Since this month's theme (each month will go from my birthdate of the 28th to the next 28th) is all about tackling difficult items on my list, I have to chose three items and get started on them. Cleaning the office is one of these. Writing my novel is another. I'm still choosing the third item. I want these to be projects where getting some significant progress on them will make a difference in my life. I think the third one will be about one of my volunteer positions (I do a lot of community work). I'll record my progress here.

So far, at least, I've kept up my Tues and Thurs posts. If I can manage that for a few weeks, I will probably increase the posting schedule. I wanted to start small to make sure I could handle it. I hadn't planned to be unemployed when I chose my schedule so I was being cautious.

If anyone is out there reading this, try tackling one or two projects of your own in the next month and report in on how you are doing. Sometimes having others trying the same thing can help push past the fear keeping us back!

Fight or Embrace the Tide

"Vir, do you believe in fate?"
"Well, actually, I believe there are currents in the Universe. Eddies and tides that pull us one way or the other. Some we have to fight, some we have to embrace. Unfortunately, the currents that we have to fight look exactly like the currents we have to embrace. The currents that we think are the one that's gonna make us stronger, they are the ones that are going to destroy us. And the ones that we think are going to destroy us, they are the ones that are going to make us stronger. Now, the other current--"
"Vir! Yes or no?"
"Yes!... You know,....somewhat,....why?"
-Babylon 5

I just had a big change happen in my life; I was laid off from my job of one year. Strangely enough, this happened at the same time I was trying to figure out a plan for my life and began this strange quest to discover the "real me" before I turn 42.

I am trying to view this as a rare opportunity. I had just been lamenting my lack of time to pursue projects or to finish my massive to do lists (filled with household projects, good ideas for websites or books, organizing projects, things I promised my family I would do, volunteer duties, etc.). Now, suddenly, I have lots of time.

On the other hand, my husband and I are both unemployed (which means limited money and no health coverage). That is pretty scary.

I could do what I did last time I was unemployed (strangely my husband and I were both unemployed at the same time then too) and apply for any job out there (even things that I know I won't enjoy)--which is how I ended up at the workplace I just was laid off from (and where I was increasingly unhappy).

The other option is to take this as a golden opportunity and use this time to pursue my dreams. I can take the little bit of unemployment insurance money, spend lots of time doing volunteer work and personal projects, and apply only to those jobs where it would be a true vocation to me (in the old sense of the term to indicate a calling of my heart).

In other words, I don't know whether to embrace or fight the current which the universe has placed me in this week. Losing this job was both the greatest thing that could happen to me and a horrible, horrible occurrence.

These are interesting times we live in--just like the ancient curse always offers to us. Interesting times are good--but they are not easy. That's where I am right now.

I can't expect things to be easy if I am going to complete my quest, right? The difficulty of my quest cannot stop me. I must embrace this current and swim to my goal. I'm diving into whatever fate is ahead of me and hoping that I won't drown before I find what I am looking for in my future.

Here's to "fate" and all that it is bringing with it!

Photo from Three Dots Flickr feed

Uncertainty of the Future and Fear

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and thought you heard a person breaking into your house? Your heart pounds as you strain to hear what woke you up but you hear nothing. If you are like me, this has happened many times when nothing is actually wrong.

Worse, I used to do this nightly and then spend an hour or more feeling like I was suffocating. I started thinking that our heater was malfunctioning and I was being poisoned by carbon monoxide. I'd have to check every room of the house and then open a window and breathe the cool air for awhile and try to calm down.

I slept poorly. Every noise made me tense. A clock ticking or a fan clicking could keep me from sleeping.

What was causing this? Stress, Anxiety, Panic Attacks--whatever you want to call this, I didn't know what was causing it or how to stop it.

When we moved to our new house, the night time terrors eased but new anxieties struck me. I was working from home and "protecting my house" during the day became my new obsession. The enemy? Anyone I could see from my front window and whom I could hear making noise. I was obsessed with tracking who was near our house.

Luckily, this too has eased with time. I've worked hard to calm down over the years. It helps that I stopped working from home (more on that in a minute).

Each of my fears listed above were irrational. I knew they weren't really something to fear yet knowing and having my stomach believe me were two different things.

I could get horrible stomach aches and intestinal distress from teenagers skateboarding on our block for a few minutes and shouting a bit. Were those teenagers likely to harm our house? No, I knew that was unlikely, but I would still fearfully peer out, feel my stomach turn, and possibly end up with multiple trips to the bathroom. Fear and Logic are not partners. My head could say one thing but my stomach seldom listened.

I think I feared uncertainty more than anything. I made plans to hedge off uncertainty. I am a huge fan of lists and calendars. I like spontaneity, I say, but my husband knows that this means what I call "planned spontaneity" where we set aside a designated time to do something fun. He can't just say, "Hey, let's go out to a movie this afternoon. Forget the plans you made for making dinner. Let's go out." The idea of doing something different from my plans can be very stressful.

The problem is--you can't stop uncertainty. There is no way to know what the future holds. For instance, I was just laid off from my job the other day. I wish I could say this was an April Fool's Day gag, but it isn't.

I had been unhappy there for awhile (I was laid off two days before my one year anniversary there). Some of my coworkers were not very kind people. Also, they did not have enough work (government contracts weren't coming in at their normal rate and that's how they do business) and I hadn't been as busy lately. My position was really a bonus--sort of like having an assistant to do work which you could do on your own but figure that the assistant can do it better (more specialized knowledge with graphics and design) and you have more time to do other things. I knew this could happen, but I guess I didn't really believe it WOULD happen.

I had been planning to write this post about anxiety even before I was called into my boss' office. One of the prime examples of anxiety I was going to use was that I had been waking up with terrible stomach aches and nausea for weeks, because of anxiety over my job. I simply didn't like going in to work. Once I got there, my stomach would settle, but it was the unknown of what the day was going to be like that would eat at me.

Now I have a new anxiety. My husband has been out of work since November. Now we are both unemployed. It just goes to show that you can never know what is going to happen. I had been applying to jobs for the entire year that I have been in this position and have had no interviews. Now I really need a new job. My husband has had many interviews since November, including two this week, but no job offers.

Life is uncertainty. I wanted to spend the year leading to my 42nd birthday figuring out how to make my life the one I really want. Strangely enough, the first thing that happened wasn't even something I was planning to do. I lost the job I hated before I found a new and better one.

Things don't always go as we plan, but I'm trying to figure out ways where I can live with that--and where panic attacks, stomach aches, and other signs of stress become a much more minor part of my day. I'm making a point to not let the teenagers outside bother me. They aren't going to hurt my house; I just need to learn to let go a little. Uncertainty and Fear may always be around, but I don't have to live my life running scared.



Photo from Stuant63's photostream

* Have any advice for someone who has difficulty dealing with fear? Have you suffered from similar problems and how did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments.