I've not written on this blog for most of this month. Part of me says that this is self-sabotage because now I can't even claim to have kept with my goal of writing on the blog regularly for the whole year (I came so close!).
The other part of me says that it is because I've come to feel that this is a futile gesture--the blog had become a place for me to indicate that I still hadn't changed anything about my life. I have remained the same uncertain woman who looked at her 41st birthday and didn't know how to accomplish my goals. My house is messy. My novel unfinished. I have a stack of projects that I say I want to do but I spend my days not working on them. I have panic attacks and and unemployed. Frankly, I'm not looking forward to my 42nd birthday with any great joy. I won't be the person I said I wanted to be a year ago.
I realized that writing in this blog was not helping me to reach my goals (other than the goal to write in the blog). I decided to take some time off (and figured that it wasn't like anyone would miss me, since I have few followers).
Unfortunately, it wasn't the blog that was keeping me from my goals. I remain the same person I was before. Nothing new has been accomplished. Sure, I rolled down a hill (it was fun! it was also on my 41 Things to Do List), but otherwise the time has resulted in few accomplishments.
Breaking bad habits is a hard task. I have years of inertia and fear built up. Breaking through this has been difficult. I have desire to do it but apparently not enough willpower.
I'm going to try again and I'll check in again soon with my report. I will definitely write again as my birthday nears (at the end of March). I want to be heading down the correct road when my birthday rolls around, even if I haven't found my destination.
Showing posts with label monthly theme. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monthly theme. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Monthly Evaluation: Birthday Countdown!
The end of January is already past, and since I was out of town, I did not do my normal evaluation of my progress. Perhaps it is for the best, since I've spent most of these months simply explaining how I've not made much progress and then setting goals for myself for the next month.
Not much different this time, I think.
I am less than two months until my birthday and all I've managed to prove with this year is that habits are really hard to break. Having been one type of person for 41 years, I am having difficulty being a different kind of person for my 42nd year. I wanted to improve some of my flaws, particularly the procrastinating and disorganized part, and find a career/life for myself which I could be happy with, but I continue to be unemployed, messy/disorganized, and procrastinating.
It is very discouraging to find that good intentions are harder to turn into good, consistent action. I am excellent at planning to change. The problem, for me, is always in the execution.
In the same way, I am excellent at planning novels, but the actual job of writing them seems to be much harder to maintain.
Even things I really want to do (my novels, my 41 Things To Do list, etc.) are pushed off. I have started so many projects over the past few months but can point to hardly anything I've finished.
All I can do is hope that my increasing frustration with myself and the upcoming deadline will force me to get myself into gear and get some things done.
Not much different this time, I think.
I am less than two months until my birthday and all I've managed to prove with this year is that habits are really hard to break. Having been one type of person for 41 years, I am having difficulty being a different kind of person for my 42nd year. I wanted to improve some of my flaws, particularly the procrastinating and disorganized part, and find a career/life for myself which I could be happy with, but I continue to be unemployed, messy/disorganized, and procrastinating.
It is very discouraging to find that good intentions are harder to turn into good, consistent action. I am excellent at planning to change. The problem, for me, is always in the execution.
In the same way, I am excellent at planning novels, but the actual job of writing them seems to be much harder to maintain.
Even things I really want to do (my novels, my 41 Things To Do list, etc.) are pushed off. I have started so many projects over the past few months but can point to hardly anything I've finished.
All I can do is hope that my increasing frustration with myself and the upcoming deadline will force me to get myself into gear and get some things done.
Monday, December 27, 2010
December: Monthly Update
Another month has come around. Every year I feel like time is moving more swiftly and this year has been no exception. The past month has been particularly fast forwarding, with all the holiday season plans and projects. I can't believe how soon my 42nd birthday is from today. I really need to get moving on my projects if I want to feel satisfied with myself when my birthday rolls around.
Here's my status so far:
Cleaning/Organizing: some success and some setbacks. The front of the house looks pretty good (had company over) but I sacrificed a clean office for it as I moved a lot of half-finished stuff in there to make the rest of the house look nice. I now need to pull that stuff back out.
Half-Finished Projects: Still have too many projects to do and a lot of stuff started that I haven't finished.
Jobs: No interviews in over two months for me, and only phone interviews from my husband in just as long. No job prospects on the horizon. I have a few things to apply for, my portfolio to finish, and some references to gather for one job application. Otherwise, we need to work on projects which could bring in money.
41 Things list: No progress at all. I need to print out that list and plan some of them for January. I'd love to have most of them finished before my birthday, like the plan called for but which looks harder to do. I think I have only 1/4 of them done.
My Plan for January:
No resolutions for me--not anymore than what I already resolved for this year-long project. I will continue to work on my goals for this year before I turn 42--to organize myself, get better about completing projects (including my novel), and to find out what I really want to do with my life (like a job, etc). I wanted to explore my life and figure out how to make myself happier and more successful. That's what I'll continue to work on in January.
It's been quite a 2010. I lost my job and turned 41 in the same week. I ran a large event with national publicity (and lost money on that event) while completing several interesting personal projects. I wrote in a blog on a regular basis (something I've never kept up with before--but struggle to come up with content and have few readers--hi there reader, speak up if you are joining in on my quest). I cleaned, organized, and found myself disorganized again, several times this year, and discovered that I have a really hard time with procrastination and completing projects, even ones I claim I really want to do. I wrote on my novel but haven't managed to complete the first draft even with a good start at NaNoWriMo. It's been a complex year.
I hope that I can make 2011 a better year. I know it is up to me.
Here's my status so far:
Cleaning/Organizing: some success and some setbacks. The front of the house looks pretty good (had company over) but I sacrificed a clean office for it as I moved a lot of half-finished stuff in there to make the rest of the house look nice. I now need to pull that stuff back out.
Half-Finished Projects: Still have too many projects to do and a lot of stuff started that I haven't finished.
Jobs: No interviews in over two months for me, and only phone interviews from my husband in just as long. No job prospects on the horizon. I have a few things to apply for, my portfolio to finish, and some references to gather for one job application. Otherwise, we need to work on projects which could bring in money.
41 Things list: No progress at all. I need to print out that list and plan some of them for January. I'd love to have most of them finished before my birthday, like the plan called for but which looks harder to do. I think I have only 1/4 of them done.
My Plan for January:
No resolutions for me--not anymore than what I already resolved for this year-long project. I will continue to work on my goals for this year before I turn 42--to organize myself, get better about completing projects (including my novel), and to find out what I really want to do with my life (like a job, etc). I wanted to explore my life and figure out how to make myself happier and more successful. That's what I'll continue to work on in January.
It's been quite a 2010. I lost my job and turned 41 in the same week. I ran a large event with national publicity (and lost money on that event) while completing several interesting personal projects. I wrote in a blog on a regular basis (something I've never kept up with before--but struggle to come up with content and have few readers--hi there reader, speak up if you are joining in on my quest). I cleaned, organized, and found myself disorganized again, several times this year, and discovered that I have a really hard time with procrastination and completing projects, even ones I claim I really want to do. I wrote on my novel but haven't managed to complete the first draft even with a good start at NaNoWriMo. It's been a complex year.
I hope that I can make 2011 a better year. I know it is up to me.
Friday, November 26, 2010
November: My Monthly Progress Report
This weekend marks the start of the 9th month of my blog. I'm not sure I've kept proper count in past progress reports since I think I already said something like this. Regardless, I started my blog on March 28 (on the occasion of my 41st birthday) and have been writing it ever since.
The goal of this blog is to have a place for me to write about my concerns and thoughts on self-improvement--because at 41 I realized that I was unhappy with the way my life had been going lately and I wanted to make it better but wasn't sure how.
If you've been reading my past posts, which a few people have been doing to my surprise, you'll know that I have been examining my difficulty with getting and staying organized, my issues with procrastination (particularly with various projects I have been working on, including my novel), and trying to determine what career choices to make.
I've had some ups and downs. I finished a major event which was a lot of work but afterwards I was so burned out that I spent months being depressed and getting nothing else done. I've just started getting out from under this but the holidays always mess up my schedule and add new stresses.
I've been unemployed since the first week of my blog, unfortunately (although I did hate my job so there are some feelings of happiness about this), and my husband has also been out of work for that same time period, having been laid off from his work a few months before me. This obviously has led to financial issues and stresses, which has not made my quest easier, although it certainly has led to more time being available for pursuing what interests us.
I made a list of things I wanted to do this year which would expose me to new experiences and force me to stretch myself more (break out of shyness, fight my fears, and try new things) but I've not been following through on this list for the past few months and would like to get started on it again. I enjoyed it when I was doing it. I tried a new hairstyle, wore a costume, tried some new recipes, etc. I don't know if I will finish all of them before my 42nd birthday but we'll see. I can, at least, try.
I was participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this month but it will come as no surprise that I've not been following through and probably won't meet my goal of 50,000 words in 30 days. I'm not sure why I've been holding back. Even on days when I had time, I've made excuses and not written that much. I did make some progress with my novel, more than some months, but I wish I had been more consistent on writing every day. I will have to work on that for the next month.
The end of the year approaches and I know that this is a time of the year when many people, myself included, often spend some time reevaluating our lives. For those of you on the journey of self-discovery and improvement like myself, I hope you will share your insights with me in the comments. There is no reason why we need to be alone while we strive to have better, happier lives.
The goal of this blog is to have a place for me to write about my concerns and thoughts on self-improvement--because at 41 I realized that I was unhappy with the way my life had been going lately and I wanted to make it better but wasn't sure how.
If you've been reading my past posts, which a few people have been doing to my surprise, you'll know that I have been examining my difficulty with getting and staying organized, my issues with procrastination (particularly with various projects I have been working on, including my novel), and trying to determine what career choices to make.
I've had some ups and downs. I finished a major event which was a lot of work but afterwards I was so burned out that I spent months being depressed and getting nothing else done. I've just started getting out from under this but the holidays always mess up my schedule and add new stresses.
I've been unemployed since the first week of my blog, unfortunately (although I did hate my job so there are some feelings of happiness about this), and my husband has also been out of work for that same time period, having been laid off from his work a few months before me. This obviously has led to financial issues and stresses, which has not made my quest easier, although it certainly has led to more time being available for pursuing what interests us.
I made a list of things I wanted to do this year which would expose me to new experiences and force me to stretch myself more (break out of shyness, fight my fears, and try new things) but I've not been following through on this list for the past few months and would like to get started on it again. I enjoyed it when I was doing it. I tried a new hairstyle, wore a costume, tried some new recipes, etc. I don't know if I will finish all of them before my 42nd birthday but we'll see. I can, at least, try.
I was participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this month but it will come as no surprise that I've not been following through and probably won't meet my goal of 50,000 words in 30 days. I'm not sure why I've been holding back. Even on days when I had time, I've made excuses and not written that much. I did make some progress with my novel, more than some months, but I wish I had been more consistent on writing every day. I will have to work on that for the next month.
The end of the year approaches and I know that this is a time of the year when many people, myself included, often spend some time reevaluating our lives. For those of you on the journey of self-discovery and improvement like myself, I hope you will share your insights with me in the comments. There is no reason why we need to be alone while we strive to have better, happier lives.
Friday, October 29, 2010
October update: 7 months into my plan
Yesterday was the 7 month anniversary of this blog. Much like last month's report, I'm not very happy with my progress.
For awhile things were going well. I was organizing myself, I had changed to a three day a week blogging schedule and stuck to it, and I was feeling okay about my progress (although I was unemployed and uncertain about my future).
Then things got harder. Progress was first delayed by the enormous amount of time I put into a project and then completely derailed after the exhaustion and burnout I felt after completing that event. Since then I've been a well-meaning but mostly stuck in inertia person. I plan that "today will be the day" but then I pick up my computer and the next thing I know it is dinner and the house is a mess, the projects aren't started, and I have no idea how I managed to spend so much time on trivial things. I'm disorganized and depressed and I'm not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg.
This probably is natural for any project. There is the initial enthusiasm which then is faced with the reality of trying to do a lot in a little time. The burnout from overdoing it then creates a backlash which must be worked through and then the person climbs out of the low point and heads to victory. That, at least, how I imagine it will be. The question is how to climb to victory from this low point I've created.
I reached a plateau where I no longer see a clear path. The first stuff to do was easy, which is why I did it first. The habits I am trying to change now are the ingrained stuff that holds me back from being what I want to be.
I'm going to count my victories here and see if this can help me feel more motivated:
1. Started a blog and kept to it
2. Started a list of 41 Things to Do and did a bunch of things on it (although not nearly enough if I am going to finish them all before the end of March)
3. Began a major organizing project in my house (although this has fallen apart somewhat lately)
4. Did a major event which took all my attention 24/7 for 3 months and got national attention
5. Became more adept at marketing and networking--this is a major victory for a chronically shy person because I now can speak to total strangers and interact with them comfortably while speaking authoritatively and enthusiastically about a subject (I feel better about this in the last year as I've done more of it lately)
6. I've applied to many jobs which were interesting and challenging (and perhaps a bit out of my league, but I was brave and tried. True, I'm still unemployed but I am working on that)
The challenges ahead:
1. Getting myself back on track for getting organized
2. Write my novel
3. Find a job (preferably one which I am passionate about)
4. Get control of all those half-finished projects sitting around and those "I'd like to...." and "I really should...." plans
We'll see where I am at the end of November. I will start on Monday to start fresh and see if I can get beyond the planning to do stage and to the actually doing it stage.
For awhile things were going well. I was organizing myself, I had changed to a three day a week blogging schedule and stuck to it, and I was feeling okay about my progress (although I was unemployed and uncertain about my future).
Then things got harder. Progress was first delayed by the enormous amount of time I put into a project and then completely derailed after the exhaustion and burnout I felt after completing that event. Since then I've been a well-meaning but mostly stuck in inertia person. I plan that "today will be the day" but then I pick up my computer and the next thing I know it is dinner and the house is a mess, the projects aren't started, and I have no idea how I managed to spend so much time on trivial things. I'm disorganized and depressed and I'm not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg.
This probably is natural for any project. There is the initial enthusiasm which then is faced with the reality of trying to do a lot in a little time. The burnout from overdoing it then creates a backlash which must be worked through and then the person climbs out of the low point and heads to victory. That, at least, how I imagine it will be. The question is how to climb to victory from this low point I've created.
I reached a plateau where I no longer see a clear path. The first stuff to do was easy, which is why I did it first. The habits I am trying to change now are the ingrained stuff that holds me back from being what I want to be.
I'm going to count my victories here and see if this can help me feel more motivated:
1. Started a blog and kept to it
2. Started a list of 41 Things to Do and did a bunch of things on it (although not nearly enough if I am going to finish them all before the end of March)
3. Began a major organizing project in my house (although this has fallen apart somewhat lately)
4. Did a major event which took all my attention 24/7 for 3 months and got national attention
5. Became more adept at marketing and networking--this is a major victory for a chronically shy person because I now can speak to total strangers and interact with them comfortably while speaking authoritatively and enthusiastically about a subject (I feel better about this in the last year as I've done more of it lately)
6. I've applied to many jobs which were interesting and challenging (and perhaps a bit out of my league, but I was brave and tried. True, I'm still unemployed but I am working on that)
The challenges ahead:
1. Getting myself back on track for getting organized
2. Write my novel
3. Find a job (preferably one which I am passionate about)
4. Get control of all those half-finished projects sitting around and those "I'd like to...." and "I really should...." plans
We'll see where I am at the end of November. I will start on Monday to start fresh and see if I can get beyond the planning to do stage and to the actually doing it stage.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Productivity and "Self-Help": Admiral Ackbar and Merlin Mann say it's a trap
If you have been reading productivity, personal finance, and self-help blogs for long enough, you know there used to be a very active and cool site called 43folders, where people like myself used to go for tips on GTD (Getting Things Done) and Productivity Pron (cool aps, neat tips, etc.). It was/is run by a guy called Merlin Mann who awhile back changed everything about that blog. Instead of frequent updates it meant to occasional rants; these rants became increasingly about giving up exactly what the blog used to be all about--reading about productivity.
The latest rant is a bit hard to follow at times (and has language which may offend some readers) but it ends with an intriguing image of a recent tweet Merlin wrote: "Joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging."
This (and some of the other bits of the rant) struck home to me. You'll know from reading my blog that I have questioned the wisdom of getting too caught up in changing my system and making to do lists, charting my progress, etc. I've been guilty of letting the self-help get in the way of the very work I'm supposed to be doing. I've also been guilty of enjoying my RSS feed too much, even to the detriment of the novel I am supposed to be writing.
I know I am not the only one out there with this problem. I also know that the simple "just do it" statements of people like Mann don't actually motivate very well. Sure, I find myself nodding and feeling like "yes, I should turn myself around" but really I feel this way after many a "self-help" article about productivity and motivation.
There is no easy answer for this trap. Each person will find her way out of it (or not) based on the goals that drive her. I know that my journey for this year has been all about me seeking my path to being able to get work done consistently and to find work which makes me want to keep doing it.
I don't have the answers, and neither does Mann (for me at least), but we both know that reading more self-help blogs doesn't get me there. As Admiral Ackbar (and Mann) would say "It's a trap!"
The latest rant is a bit hard to follow at times (and has language which may offend some readers) but it ends with an intriguing image of a recent tweet Merlin wrote: "Joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging."
This (and some of the other bits of the rant) struck home to me. You'll know from reading my blog that I have questioned the wisdom of getting too caught up in changing my system and making to do lists, charting my progress, etc. I've been guilty of letting the self-help get in the way of the very work I'm supposed to be doing. I've also been guilty of enjoying my RSS feed too much, even to the detriment of the novel I am supposed to be writing.
I know I am not the only one out there with this problem. I also know that the simple "just do it" statements of people like Mann don't actually motivate very well. Sure, I find myself nodding and feeling like "yes, I should turn myself around" but really I feel this way after many a "self-help" article about productivity and motivation.
There is no easy answer for this trap. Each person will find her way out of it (or not) based on the goals that drive her. I know that my journey for this year has been all about me seeking my path to being able to get work done consistently and to find work which makes me want to keep doing it.
I don't have the answers, and neither does Mann (for me at least), but we both know that reading more self-help blogs doesn't get me there. As Admiral Ackbar (and Mann) would say "It's a trap!"
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
6th Month Update: Out of Control Still?
It has been 6 months since my 41st birthday so I am halfway through my allotted time for this project.
In that time, I've written frequently about my desired changes and the difficulties in achieving them, but I feel like I've made little progress. Sometimes I feel like I've written more about them than I've done. Other times I remember all of the organizational work I did, the major events we worked on, and the small successes along the way. I'm not sure whether I am proud of myself or ashamed.
It's been a running theme in my blog, I find, to chastise myself for all I haven't been doing. I've spent the past two weeks planning on cleaning up the house, and instead it has gotten messier. I have allowed chores to pile up. I don't even have a good excuse for a lot of it, other than depression and stress (which are exactly the sort of thing I'm supposed to be working against with my projects).
Habits are a hard thing to change and I have a lot of bad habits. I'm addicted to being online, which is why writing in this blog is the one major success I've managed to be fairly consistent through this time. Since most of my other projects involved being offline, they've been spottier in execution. I'll go along fine for awhile but then a project will come up and I'll get busy, and the next thing I know I'm spending way too much time online and not using the time I have wisely.
I've gotten so bad, I've canceled my idea of having a monthly theme because I never seemed to do them. Instead I've been concentrating on one idea: Doing the Work. That's right, I'm not very successful about staying focused and actually finishing my work.
For next month, I will work on this even harder. I'm halfway through the year, and I would like to have more to show for it. Here's hoping that my journey will improve.
How about you? If you are on your own journey of self-improvement, what has been the most difficult and what tips do you have for solving these sorts of problems?
In that time, I've written frequently about my desired changes and the difficulties in achieving them, but I feel like I've made little progress. Sometimes I feel like I've written more about them than I've done. Other times I remember all of the organizational work I did, the major events we worked on, and the small successes along the way. I'm not sure whether I am proud of myself or ashamed.
It's been a running theme in my blog, I find, to chastise myself for all I haven't been doing. I've spent the past two weeks planning on cleaning up the house, and instead it has gotten messier. I have allowed chores to pile up. I don't even have a good excuse for a lot of it, other than depression and stress (which are exactly the sort of thing I'm supposed to be working against with my projects).
Habits are a hard thing to change and I have a lot of bad habits. I'm addicted to being online, which is why writing in this blog is the one major success I've managed to be fairly consistent through this time. Since most of my other projects involved being offline, they've been spottier in execution. I'll go along fine for awhile but then a project will come up and I'll get busy, and the next thing I know I'm spending way too much time online and not using the time I have wisely.
I've gotten so bad, I've canceled my idea of having a monthly theme because I never seemed to do them. Instead I've been concentrating on one idea: Doing the Work. That's right, I'm not very successful about staying focused and actually finishing my work.
For next month, I will work on this even harder. I'm halfway through the year, and I would like to have more to show for it. Here's hoping that my journey will improve.
How about you? If you are on your own journey of self-improvement, what has been the most difficult and what tips do you have for solving these sorts of problems?
Friday, August 27, 2010
5 Month Update: Ups and Downs of a Rollercoaster Life
My life has been a series of contradictions since I started this blog on my 41st birthday.
I lost my job, but I'm so busy with (unpaid) work that I barely have time to do anything.
I often feel like a failure because I don't know what to do with my life, but I've been photographed and interviewed for multiple magazines, newspapers, and radio shows connected to my hobbies, a big event I organized, and my volunteering.
I say I want to be a novelist and have some grand plans for projects, but I've not gotten any of these projects or my novels started.
It's odd. I still don't understand myself that well. I often put off doing those things that I want most (my dissertation took FOREVER!). For a smart person, I'm awfully dumb about some things.
My house project went back to chaotic again when I was 95% done. That's because we pulled out another whole closet and made a big mess again. Instead of finding places for those last few stacks, I created more stacks from a new project and made a disaster area of our living room. It's discouraging but if I keep going I will be better for it.
For my list of "41 Things to Do Before I Turn 42" I have now eaten a new fruit (see my post on the tamatillo) and today I will be doing some sewing so we'll see how far I get in finishing a complete clothing item. I am also buying the ingredients for Cornish Pasty so that will be another item on my list. I've come close to rolling down a hill but chickened out since the clothing I was wearing and the setting I was in were not conducive to rolling around on the ground. Will need to be in a more informal setting. Still, the thought occurs whenever I'm near nice grassy hills, even when not the best time. I'll let go one of these days and do it.
I can't believe that it has been five months since my birthday (and loss of job). Time flies by so quickly.
I look forward to what this next month will bring me. I'm going to work harder at finishing projects. I'm good at starting things and planning things but not always good on the follow through. That's what I am working on this year. We'll see where it takes me.
I lost my job, but I'm so busy with (unpaid) work that I barely have time to do anything.
I often feel like a failure because I don't know what to do with my life, but I've been photographed and interviewed for multiple magazines, newspapers, and radio shows connected to my hobbies, a big event I organized, and my volunteering.
I say I want to be a novelist and have some grand plans for projects, but I've not gotten any of these projects or my novels started.
It's odd. I still don't understand myself that well. I often put off doing those things that I want most (my dissertation took FOREVER!). For a smart person, I'm awfully dumb about some things.
My house project went back to chaotic again when I was 95% done. That's because we pulled out another whole closet and made a big mess again. Instead of finding places for those last few stacks, I created more stacks from a new project and made a disaster area of our living room. It's discouraging but if I keep going I will be better for it.
For my list of "41 Things to Do Before I Turn 42" I have now eaten a new fruit (see my post on the tamatillo) and today I will be doing some sewing so we'll see how far I get in finishing a complete clothing item. I am also buying the ingredients for Cornish Pasty so that will be another item on my list. I've come close to rolling down a hill but chickened out since the clothing I was wearing and the setting I was in were not conducive to rolling around on the ground. Will need to be in a more informal setting. Still, the thought occurs whenever I'm near nice grassy hills, even when not the best time. I'll let go one of these days and do it.
I can't believe that it has been five months since my birthday (and loss of job). Time flies by so quickly.
I look forward to what this next month will bring me. I'm going to work harder at finishing projects. I'm good at starting things and planning things but not always good on the follow through. That's what I am working on this year. We'll see where it takes me.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Cleaning Out Old Decisions
I'm cleaning my closet out today. It is hard to part with clothing. Today I am getting rid of a beautiful sequined top I bought for my 10th reunion (1997) which I think I wore to special events twice. It doesn't fit me anymore, just like its beautiful flowing black skirt. I've had these in the back of my closet for ages and they survived several closet purgings because I told myself that I'd wear them again someday.
The same goes for three blazers I used to wear a lot in the early 90s. They are good quality and very practical in design. While they still fit, mostly, they are old and don't button closed (a little tight in the waist, but I never buttoned them anyways so I kept them for years, seldom wearing them).
I also found some clothes which I had bought recently but found that I didn't like that much. Some pulled funny (material issues) or just didn't suit me as well as I thought in the store. Because it is hard to admit that I'd made a mistake in buying these (and wasting money on things I'm not wearing), I had a hard time putting them on the donate stack as well.
However, that is what I've been doing. I have 8 items on the donate stack so far and will be adding more soon. The bad decisions of buying clothes that don't suit me are in the past. No use burdening my present self with those mistakes. The beautiful clothes of past days are not part of my future and I need to accept that. How will I have room for the beautiful clothes of my present and future self if I don't get rid of the old clothes from my past?
These are hard lessons to learn. I'm taking small steps by going through my closet. I'm also continuing my office clean out project.
It's hard to get rid of things sometimes because of what the things represent: old memories I want to keep, a sense that this thing will be useful in the future, or a decision which I don't want to admit was wrong. I think we all have this habit of investing our things with these extra invisible burdens. What I need to remember is that I will still have the memory (and, indeed, a picture) of my 10th reunion without having the dress I wore that night. Even if I lose some weight, I don't have very many events where I could wear that sort of dress, so I need to let it go. I can't hang onto it on the hypothetical hope that sometime it will both fit me and be suitable for an event (at the same time). The same goes for the other clothes and for many things in my office. I need room for my future and for that I need to let go of some of the less useful remnants of my past.
It is sort of like I was saying on Wed's post--I'm starting over on my quest. Both mentally and in some of my possessions, I have to let go of my past mistakes or past memories so that I can move forward.
The same goes for three blazers I used to wear a lot in the early 90s. They are good quality and very practical in design. While they still fit, mostly, they are old and don't button closed (a little tight in the waist, but I never buttoned them anyways so I kept them for years, seldom wearing them).
I also found some clothes which I had bought recently but found that I didn't like that much. Some pulled funny (material issues) or just didn't suit me as well as I thought in the store. Because it is hard to admit that I'd made a mistake in buying these (and wasting money on things I'm not wearing), I had a hard time putting them on the donate stack as well.
However, that is what I've been doing. I have 8 items on the donate stack so far and will be adding more soon. The bad decisions of buying clothes that don't suit me are in the past. No use burdening my present self with those mistakes. The beautiful clothes of past days are not part of my future and I need to accept that. How will I have room for the beautiful clothes of my present and future self if I don't get rid of the old clothes from my past?
These are hard lessons to learn. I'm taking small steps by going through my closet. I'm also continuing my office clean out project.
It's hard to get rid of things sometimes because of what the things represent: old memories I want to keep, a sense that this thing will be useful in the future, or a decision which I don't want to admit was wrong. I think we all have this habit of investing our things with these extra invisible burdens. What I need to remember is that I will still have the memory (and, indeed, a picture) of my 10th reunion without having the dress I wore that night. Even if I lose some weight, I don't have very many events where I could wear that sort of dress, so I need to let it go. I can't hang onto it on the hypothetical hope that sometime it will both fit me and be suitable for an event (at the same time). The same goes for the other clothes and for many things in my office. I need room for my future and for that I need to let go of some of the less useful remnants of my past.
It is sort of like I was saying on Wed's post--I'm starting over on my quest. Both mentally and in some of my possessions, I have to let go of my past mistakes or past memories so that I can move forward.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
4 Month Progress Report: Getting Started Again
I started this quest on March 28th. Here I am in July and I am starting all over again.
I am afraid that this is common in my life. I have lots of plans but the follow through can be a problem.
I've decided it is time, now that my big event from almost 2 weeks ago is done, to take stock of what I've done since my birthday and start fresh. I will forgive myself for falling short of my rather ambitious goals. It's important that I'm still on the journey.
Progress made:
I've kept up with this blog, missing only two of my posting days. This is the longest I've ever maintained a blog, although I had good intentions the three other times I started one (on various topics).
I've partially organized my home office (I can walk in it again--it had been the household equivalent of a junk drawer).
I've made my "41 Things To Do Before I'm 42" list and accomplished 5 things on it (I've got to get back to doing more of them).
I did some good unpaid work for several organizations (adding to my graphic design and publicity portfolio) and ran a large event 1.5 weeks ago which went well.
I was laid off from the job I wanted to quit the same week I started this blog. Although I've not found a paying job yet, I've applied to a lot of great places and remain hopeful.
Things to do:
I have a list of projects to do--and I need to finish a bunch of them which have been hanging around for a long time.
I have a novel to write and I want to get back to writing--preferably several hours each week will be set aside for writing--starting next week.
I want to do more with my "41 Things" list and have some great experiences.
Hopefully I'll find a job before my 42nd birthday--preferably something I like and feel motivated to do (instead of my last job which I took purely for the paycheck and hated every second of the day).
My Monthly Theme will be "Starting Fresh" and I will restart my quest. I will look at my to do list and my "41 Things" list and see what I can get accomplished. I've done so much in the past few months. I'm sure that if I set my mind to it, I can do even more now.
To anyone reading this blog, thank you for being on the journey with me. Do you have a quest you are trying to fulfill? Sometimes it is easier when you are on the journey with others. Comment here to share your quest.
I am afraid that this is common in my life. I have lots of plans but the follow through can be a problem.
I've decided it is time, now that my big event from almost 2 weeks ago is done, to take stock of what I've done since my birthday and start fresh. I will forgive myself for falling short of my rather ambitious goals. It's important that I'm still on the journey.
Progress made:
I've kept up with this blog, missing only two of my posting days. This is the longest I've ever maintained a blog, although I had good intentions the three other times I started one (on various topics).
I've partially organized my home office (I can walk in it again--it had been the household equivalent of a junk drawer).
I've made my "41 Things To Do Before I'm 42" list and accomplished 5 things on it (I've got to get back to doing more of them).
I did some good unpaid work for several organizations (adding to my graphic design and publicity portfolio) and ran a large event 1.5 weeks ago which went well.
I was laid off from the job I wanted to quit the same week I started this blog. Although I've not found a paying job yet, I've applied to a lot of great places and remain hopeful.
Things to do:
I have a list of projects to do--and I need to finish a bunch of them which have been hanging around for a long time.
I have a novel to write and I want to get back to writing--preferably several hours each week will be set aside for writing--starting next week.
I want to do more with my "41 Things" list and have some great experiences.
Hopefully I'll find a job before my 42nd birthday--preferably something I like and feel motivated to do (instead of my last job which I took purely for the paycheck and hated every second of the day).
My Monthly Theme will be "Starting Fresh" and I will restart my quest. I will look at my to do list and my "41 Things" list and see what I can get accomplished. I've done so much in the past few months. I'm sure that if I set my mind to it, I can do even more now.
To anyone reading this blog, thank you for being on the journey with me. Do you have a quest you are trying to fulfill? Sometimes it is easier when you are on the journey with others. Comment here to share your quest.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Month 3 Review: Floggings will Continue Until Morale Improves
Today is third month of this blog. I'm 1/4 of the way to my 42nd birthday. What have I accomplished?
1. I've kept up with this blog and regular posting. That's a huge success for me since I've had other attempts to blog and quickly lost interest.
2. I lost my job. Okay, I didn't mean to get laid off from work but since I definitely wanted to get a better job, you could say it was the first step to the changes I want in life.
3. I made a list of "41 Things to Do Before I'm 42" and I've done 4 of them.
4. I've been working on things I'm passionate about (an event plus some volunteering) for almost three months. It keeps me crazy busy but I'm enjoying it. The big event I'm organizing is just weeks away and it is terrifying but in a good way.
5. I've done some organizing and cleaning.
For three months, it doesn't seem like a lot. I also didn't really ever manage to do much with my theme or monthly goals. Basically, I've let #4 on this list take over my life and push everything back (including writing my novel).
I'm not going to berate myself or push myself to do better until after the event in mid-July. Then I'm reevaluating my time. Two things I'm working on will be done then. I've also stepped down from one volunteer item and stepped back from another so when these two things are done (since they were one time events and will be finished) then I should be able to put my time into some new projects I've been considering plus get back to writing my novel.
So for now my motto is "Maintain! Keep Up With Stuff!" I just need to get through the event and make it a success while not letting the basics fall through the cracks. I'll see what to do with my life after that. Just under THREE WEEKS!
1. I've kept up with this blog and regular posting. That's a huge success for me since I've had other attempts to blog and quickly lost interest.
2. I lost my job. Okay, I didn't mean to get laid off from work but since I definitely wanted to get a better job, you could say it was the first step to the changes I want in life.
3. I made a list of "41 Things to Do Before I'm 42" and I've done 4 of them.
4. I've been working on things I'm passionate about (an event plus some volunteering) for almost three months. It keeps me crazy busy but I'm enjoying it. The big event I'm organizing is just weeks away and it is terrifying but in a good way.
5. I've done some organizing and cleaning.
For three months, it doesn't seem like a lot. I also didn't really ever manage to do much with my theme or monthly goals. Basically, I've let #4 on this list take over my life and push everything back (including writing my novel).
I'm not going to berate myself or push myself to do better until after the event in mid-July. Then I'm reevaluating my time. Two things I'm working on will be done then. I've also stepped down from one volunteer item and stepped back from another so when these two things are done (since they were one time events and will be finished) then I should be able to put my time into some new projects I've been considering plus get back to writing my novel.
So for now my motto is "Maintain! Keep Up With Stuff!" I just need to get through the event and make it a success while not letting the basics fall through the cracks. I'll see what to do with my life after that. Just under THREE WEEKS!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Update 2: Second Month of Quest is Complete
Friday was May 28th, the 2nd month anniversary of this blog and my quest to find out who I really am, what I want, and how to set myself on the road to getting what I want.
It has been a very busy month. My husband and I have a number of big personal projects in the works. They have practically become full-time jobs in themselves. Some of them might even make us a little money, which would be useful. I also had one job interview and applied to a dozen or more other places which ignored me entirely. I was turned down for that one job about three or four weeks after I interviewed (even though I was perfect for the job, in my opinion). Since I lost my job, I've also taken on more volunteer responsibilities and two of them have become quite active. I've been a publicity person for these groups quite a bit lately, designing posters and postcards, and generally doing some interesting work.
Perhaps because of all of these projects, I've done little towards my stated goals. I've done no recent work on my novel (and probably won't while my current project is taking up so much time--it will be done mid-July, but until then I have to do a lot of work for an event). I've done some house organizing, mostly in response to visits from friends, but some of this cleaning was more triage than real cleaning--more shove stuff out of sight than find a way to deal with it for real. Hence things will get more chaotic if I don't bring this stuff out into the light and organize it for real very soon. I'll add that to the upcoming plan list.
I'm disappointed that in two months I've made more promises to myself than I have actually kept. That is, after all, the very pattern in my life which I was trying to break by starting this quest.
On the other hand, I've been amazingly productive and done some really interesting work both for my personal projects and my community organizations.
I've decided to cut myself a break here and not beat myself up on the lack of progress in my stated goals. I let others thing take priority and that's okay. I wasn't goofing off at least.
For June, I'm going to concentrate on getting my current projects done, particularly focusing on getting the Important stuff done before it is Urgent. I'll call this month's theme "Project Management." If I get far enough ahead on some of these projects, I will find it easier to sneak some novel time in there before July.
I'm also going to review my 41 Things list and see if I can't sneak in one or two fun, creative ideas from that list into my month. All work and no play makes RealMe a dull girl.....
It has been a very busy month. My husband and I have a number of big personal projects in the works. They have practically become full-time jobs in themselves. Some of them might even make us a little money, which would be useful. I also had one job interview and applied to a dozen or more other places which ignored me entirely. I was turned down for that one job about three or four weeks after I interviewed (even though I was perfect for the job, in my opinion). Since I lost my job, I've also taken on more volunteer responsibilities and two of them have become quite active. I've been a publicity person for these groups quite a bit lately, designing posters and postcards, and generally doing some interesting work.
Perhaps because of all of these projects, I've done little towards my stated goals. I've done no recent work on my novel (and probably won't while my current project is taking up so much time--it will be done mid-July, but until then I have to do a lot of work for an event). I've done some house organizing, mostly in response to visits from friends, but some of this cleaning was more triage than real cleaning--more shove stuff out of sight than find a way to deal with it for real. Hence things will get more chaotic if I don't bring this stuff out into the light and organize it for real very soon. I'll add that to the upcoming plan list.
I'm disappointed that in two months I've made more promises to myself than I have actually kept. That is, after all, the very pattern in my life which I was trying to break by starting this quest.
On the other hand, I've been amazingly productive and done some really interesting work both for my personal projects and my community organizations.
I've decided to cut myself a break here and not beat myself up on the lack of progress in my stated goals. I let others thing take priority and that's okay. I wasn't goofing off at least.
For June, I'm going to concentrate on getting my current projects done, particularly focusing on getting the Important stuff done before it is Urgent. I'll call this month's theme "Project Management." If I get far enough ahead on some of these projects, I will find it easier to sneak some novel time in there before July.
I'm also going to review my 41 Things list and see if I can't sneak in one or two fun, creative ideas from that list into my month. All work and no play makes RealMe a dull girl.....
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Update on Quest's Progress: 1st Month
The road to Hell may or may not be paved with good intentions, but my Quest's path certainly is (hopefully it is leading me to a slightly better place--and one with a better climate since I'm not crazy about hot weather!).
I've made some progress on my three goals:
1. Cleaning my Office: I removed all paperwork and other obstacles from the floor (but some of it is still on my dining room table because I don't know what to do with it). The reason things make it to stacks in the office is because these things don't have a real home. A place for everything and everything in its place! I don't fulfill either of those two dictates. The office is better but some of it has simply migrated so this task can't be called complete yet.
2. Writing my Novel: Less progress to report here, mostly because I told myself that I'd do a bunch of house cleaning and organizing BEFORE writing. If this is my most important goal, I need to learn not to place obstacles in front of it.
3. Volunteer work: I did get a lot done for both of the nonprofits I volunteer with during this month. One of them had a big event in April which I did a lot of work on for them. I enjoyed myself and it was nice to have more time to devote to these tasks. I still have some paperwork and other planning for them which I need to organized so I didn't complete everything I wanted to, but my theme was about "Get Things Started" so I think this qualifies.
As for my list of 41 Things to Do Before I Am 42:
I can mark as completed--
32. Dress in a costume in public (I've done this before; I want to do again)
This was a bit of a cheat because I actually do this several times a year for historical reenacting. I knew I had events coming up. My intent when I wrote this was to have a new costume and do something a bit more than usual. Still, I did go out in costume (and people took pictures of me) and I had some new parts to my costume, so technically, this is completed.
The rest of my list isn't a cheat and will take a little longer to accomplish. I'm working on some of them soon (including making eggrolls--I bought the ingredients and plan on doing them this week).
Meanwhile, I think I can sort of claim victory on these:
30. Get a few readers on this blog (and have a few of them comment kindly)
31. Try a new hairstyle
I have had some readers stop by and two of you have left comments on some of my posts. Thank you for the feedback! That is very kind of you. This blog is such a personal quest, I wasn't sure anyone would find it worth reading or commenting on so I really appreciated your thoughts. It is weird to write into the ether like this and find strangers who are willing to be friends. :)
I also was given a pretty hair barrette (not in a style I usually wear) and I've worn it several times now. It isn't a drastic new hairstyle, by any means, but it was a small departure from my usual style, so it will count for now. I can decide if I want to pursue more drastic hairstyles or costume opportunities later.
For now, let's count 3 of my 41 things as complete!
I call this first month a (qualified) success. After all, I'm still here and trying to figure out my life. Better, I had a job interview for something I'd actually like to do so that is a hopeful sign that things might turn around for me.
Starting on April 28 (today), the second month of my quest begins. I've decided that my theme will be "Get to What Matters" and my goal will be to concentrate on the two or three things which matter the most to me: my goal to write a novel, my volunteer work, and applying for jobs. I will keep it simple--as much as possible--and figure that if I can keep up with my normal schedule of volunteer work, get some job applications in, and spend time every week writing my novel, this month is a success. Anything I manage to do on top of those things is bonus!
Photo from Koalazymonkey's Flikr Photostream
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Fear, Procrastination, and Getting Started
Fear. Considering how often I've mentioned it since I started this blog, you might think it rules my life.
I suppose in some ways it does (or at least, it has) but the main reason why I've been focusing on it is because I think it is a main reason why many of us don't pursue our goals.
We fear failure; sometimes we even fear success. We fear pain and death. Many people fear being alone and will accept being in a bad relationship rather than face loneliness. I saw a family member freak out during the earthquake on Sunday--sheer panic took over and she was hyperventilating, squeezing her husband's shirt so hard he thought she was going to strangle him, and squealing for the full 30 seconds of that earthquake. It was a bad earthquake in Baja, California, but where we were it caused very little damage in our city and caused no damage in her house or ours. However, it did bring out fear. She spent the rest of the evening asking if we thought an aftershock would come, and if it did, when would it strike. Since they are impossible to predict, we just did our best to comfort her.
I know that I've had some really bad times with fear at earlier times in my life (as I explained in a recent post). I've been working on facing these fears and getting beyond them, as much as possible.
Since I lost my job last week, I thought I'd be facing a lot of new fears. Perhaps I will soon, if I don't find work after awhile, but so far it has been kind of nice.
However, I know that I still have to fight my great enemy, procrastination. Too often fear leads to procrastination. I've read about it many times and know all of the tricks one is supposed to use. However, most of them don't really work if you've let the habit of procrastination take hold of your life and/or you are plagued by fears. I know this from the years I spent writing my dissertation. Fear and procrastination can control your life and, even when you recognize the problem, it can be hard to do what you need to do.
Here are a few things that have worked for me:
* I make lists. This gives me a sense of control and a reward for doing something--I get to cross something off my list!)
* I set a timer. Sometimes I can avoid the internet/email siren call by setting a timer for tasks. I tell myself, "I'll work on this for 30 minutes. When the timer goes off, I'll take a 10 minute break (also on timer) where I get to do internet stuff." I can have a very productive afternoon if I remember to set the timer, actually pay attention to it when it rings, and pick useful stuff to do (not just busy work that seems productive, but actual things that matter).
* I tell myself "I just need to get started." Instead of saying, "I'm going to clean the office," I say, "I'm just going to start cleaning the office today by putting away file folders for a few minutes." Sometimes that is just enough to break past my unwillingness to do what seems like a long and painful task. Even if I only put way the file folders, at least the office is a little better and I can do another portion later. Good chance is that I did more that just the one item, though, once I got started.
* I set deadlines. This only has worked for me when they are REAL deadlines, unfortunately. When my dissertation chair gave me firm deadlines with real consequences, I finally started making good progress on my dissertation. Otherwise, it was too easy to put it off or just work on it a bit more because it could be better. I've tried setting monthly deadlines to share writing projects with my husband but neither of us took them seriously and so we haven't followed through on this even once since I suggested it. I'm going to reexamine this idea and see if we can't do it for real, starting with the next date (I chose the "Ides" of the month--so we had to show at least 4 pages of progress in our writing every 15th of the month). Since my husband and I have similar problems with our projects, the deadline was supposed to help us but instead both of us blew it off and it didn't work.
As you can see, each of these tips is really a psychological trick to get past a mind block and get a project started.
Since this month's theme (each month will go from my birthdate of the 28th to the next 28th) is all about tackling difficult items on my list, I have to chose three items and get started on them. Cleaning the office is one of these. Writing my novel is another. I'm still choosing the third item. I want these to be projects where getting some significant progress on them will make a difference in my life. I think the third one will be about one of my volunteer positions (I do a lot of community work). I'll record my progress here.
So far, at least, I've kept up my Tues and Thurs posts. If I can manage that for a few weeks, I will probably increase the posting schedule. I wanted to start small to make sure I could handle it. I hadn't planned to be unemployed when I chose my schedule so I was being cautious.
If anyone is out there reading this, try tackling one or two projects of your own in the next month and report in on how you are doing. Sometimes having others trying the same thing can help push past the fear keeping us back!
I suppose in some ways it does (or at least, it has) but the main reason why I've been focusing on it is because I think it is a main reason why many of us don't pursue our goals.
We fear failure; sometimes we even fear success. We fear pain and death. Many people fear being alone and will accept being in a bad relationship rather than face loneliness. I saw a family member freak out during the earthquake on Sunday--sheer panic took over and she was hyperventilating, squeezing her husband's shirt so hard he thought she was going to strangle him, and squealing for the full 30 seconds of that earthquake. It was a bad earthquake in Baja, California, but where we were it caused very little damage in our city and caused no damage in her house or ours. However, it did bring out fear. She spent the rest of the evening asking if we thought an aftershock would come, and if it did, when would it strike. Since they are impossible to predict, we just did our best to comfort her.
I know that I've had some really bad times with fear at earlier times in my life (as I explained in a recent post). I've been working on facing these fears and getting beyond them, as much as possible.
Since I lost my job last week, I thought I'd be facing a lot of new fears. Perhaps I will soon, if I don't find work after awhile, but so far it has been kind of nice.
However, I know that I still have to fight my great enemy, procrastination. Too often fear leads to procrastination. I've read about it many times and know all of the tricks one is supposed to use. However, most of them don't really work if you've let the habit of procrastination take hold of your life and/or you are plagued by fears. I know this from the years I spent writing my dissertation. Fear and procrastination can control your life and, even when you recognize the problem, it can be hard to do what you need to do.
Here are a few things that have worked for me:
* I make lists. This gives me a sense of control and a reward for doing something--I get to cross something off my list!)
* I set a timer. Sometimes I can avoid the internet/email siren call by setting a timer for tasks. I tell myself, "I'll work on this for 30 minutes. When the timer goes off, I'll take a 10 minute break (also on timer) where I get to do internet stuff." I can have a very productive afternoon if I remember to set the timer, actually pay attention to it when it rings, and pick useful stuff to do (not just busy work that seems productive, but actual things that matter).
* I tell myself "I just need to get started." Instead of saying, "I'm going to clean the office," I say, "I'm just going to start cleaning the office today by putting away file folders for a few minutes." Sometimes that is just enough to break past my unwillingness to do what seems like a long and painful task. Even if I only put way the file folders, at least the office is a little better and I can do another portion later. Good chance is that I did more that just the one item, though, once I got started.
* I set deadlines. This only has worked for me when they are REAL deadlines, unfortunately. When my dissertation chair gave me firm deadlines with real consequences, I finally started making good progress on my dissertation. Otherwise, it was too easy to put it off or just work on it a bit more because it could be better. I've tried setting monthly deadlines to share writing projects with my husband but neither of us took them seriously and so we haven't followed through on this even once since I suggested it. I'm going to reexamine this idea and see if we can't do it for real, starting with the next date (I chose the "Ides" of the month--so we had to show at least 4 pages of progress in our writing every 15th of the month). Since my husband and I have similar problems with our projects, the deadline was supposed to help us but instead both of us blew it off and it didn't work.
As you can see, each of these tips is really a psychological trick to get past a mind block and get a project started.
Since this month's theme (each month will go from my birthdate of the 28th to the next 28th) is all about tackling difficult items on my list, I have to chose three items and get started on them. Cleaning the office is one of these. Writing my novel is another. I'm still choosing the third item. I want these to be projects where getting some significant progress on them will make a difference in my life. I think the third one will be about one of my volunteer positions (I do a lot of community work). I'll record my progress here.
So far, at least, I've kept up my Tues and Thurs posts. If I can manage that for a few weeks, I will probably increase the posting schedule. I wanted to start small to make sure I could handle it. I hadn't planned to be unemployed when I chose my schedule so I was being cautious.
If anyone is out there reading this, try tackling one or two projects of your own in the next month and report in on how you are doing. Sometimes having others trying the same thing can help push past the fear keeping us back!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
To Do Lists and Procrastination
I have two lists, each a page long with two columns. One is just about household projects. The other one shows various projects (writing, volunteer group commitments) which I need to do. I made them over two years ago and I keep them updated. Unfortunately, a lot of stuff is added but little is removed.
Some of the things on my list have been there for years.
Are you like this? I don't think I'm alone with having problems in accomplishing tasks.
Why do we do this to ourselves?
I worked up an Excel spreadsheet for an average month. If an average month has 30 days, we have 720 hours. I figured I work approximately 176 hours in a normal month. Travel to work equals 15.4. Sleep takes up 210 hours. I volunteer approximately 30 hours a month (although sometimes more). TV and goofing off time is conservatively 90 hours a month while I figure I spend 120 hours a month doing the ordinary day to day things of showering, dressing, and eating. That leaves 78.6 hours in a month unaccounted for, for an average of 2.6 hours a day (but a lot of that is on weekends so it doesn't really work that way).
If I have 78.6 hours to do as I please per month, that means 943.2 hours (if I'm very lucky) a year.
I'm not even trying to calculate household cleaning and repairs since lately my husband has been doing most of that (since he lost his job last November).
Now you factor in time to visit family and do other typical things to spend time and an average person probably has an hour a day, on average, to do whatever project matters to her. And I don't have kids! I'd hate to think what these calculations would look like then!
My to do list, meanwhile, grows, and I push off cleaning the office or organizing the garage or tiling the porch. I put off writing my mystery novel, even though I really want to do it. Why?
I suppose one reason is that I just don't feel that I have the time. There is always something else that I should be doing. I have obligations with my volunteer work (and some of that work can expand to any amount of time I am willing to give it and still never be done). I have household tasks which have been on my to do list from before I first thought of writing a book. The guilt in these uncompleted tasks weighs on me.
The second reason is probably a combination of inertia and fear. I felt this a lot when I was work working on my dissertation and I know the power of it. It can be so hard to start something; it can be so hard to continue doing something. Even something you want to do can seem overwhelming. "What am I doing, thinking I can write a novel? Who do I think I am kidding?"
"Imposter Syndrome" is rampant in graduate school: the feeling that you are a fraud and everyone will figure it out soon. You sit in class, feeling like everyone else is smarter and better than you, afraid that you don't really belong there, that you won't be able to succeed. Better to keep your head down and not stand out than to prove that you really are the idiot that you often feel yourself to be.
The problem with the "Imposter Syndrome" is that almost everyone feels it and it is really just fear--baseless fear. The only way to beat it is to ignore it and go ahead and try anyways. A simple thing to say, but so hard to do.
Once you start, pushing past the fear and the inertia, it can also be hard to continue--but more on that later.
First, I have to get better at starting.
That's why this month's theme is about "get it done by getting it started." I have to tackle three things off of those huge to do lists. I need to find the time to work on my projects, whether by making use of the time I have during the month or trimming time off of other categories.
I'll talk more about fear in my next post.
Photo from Mr. Pessimist's Photostream
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My 41st Birthday and My Quest
I am not the hero of my own story. At least that is the way it feels.
I am turning 41 today and don't know what to do with my life. I graduated 1.5 years ago with a graduate degree in English Literature. Unfortunately, you might have heard that the economy is rather bad; I can tell you that the job market certainly reflects that fact.
I looked for work for seven months and finally found a job. It is not in my field. It is not a particularly good job. However, it does earn me an income, for which I am grateful (especially since my husband has lost his job). I will have worked there for one year next week. I have been looking for something better this whole year and haven't had one interview.
I feel like I don't know what to do with my life. I have so much I want to do. I am using this blog as a way to kick start a change.
Each month I will choose a theme and try to improve myself. I will seek to accomplish my goals and make something of my life before my 42nd birthday.
My first month's theme: "Get it done by getting it started"
I will commit to writing in this blog every Tues and Thurs.
I will make progress on three projects that have been sitting on my to do list.
I will make a plan of attack for figuring out my life.
My birthday present to myself? An attempt to figure out my life before my next birthday.
Picture by Sweet! Cupcakes and Treats (Just Cupcakes!)'s photostream
I am turning 41 today and don't know what to do with my life. I graduated 1.5 years ago with a graduate degree in English Literature. Unfortunately, you might have heard that the economy is rather bad; I can tell you that the job market certainly reflects that fact.
I looked for work for seven months and finally found a job. It is not in my field. It is not a particularly good job. However, it does earn me an income, for which I am grateful (especially since my husband has lost his job). I will have worked there for one year next week. I have been looking for something better this whole year and haven't had one interview.
I feel like I don't know what to do with my life. I have so much I want to do. I am using this blog as a way to kick start a change.
Each month I will choose a theme and try to improve myself. I will seek to accomplish my goals and make something of my life before my 42nd birthday.
My first month's theme: "Get it done by getting it started"
I will commit to writing in this blog every Tues and Thurs.
I will make progress on three projects that have been sitting on my to do list.
I will make a plan of attack for figuring out my life.
My birthday present to myself? An attempt to figure out my life before my next birthday.
Picture by Sweet! Cupcakes and Treats (Just Cupcakes!)'s photostream
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