Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why I Have Remained Silent

I've not written on this blog for most of this month. Part of me says that this is self-sabotage because now I can't even claim to have kept with my goal of writing on the blog regularly for the whole year (I came so close!).

The other part of me says that it is because I've come to feel that this is a futile gesture--the blog had become a place for me to indicate that I still hadn't changed anything about my life. I have remained the same uncertain woman who looked at her 41st birthday and didn't know how to accomplish my goals. My house is messy. My novel unfinished. I have a stack of projects that I say I want to do but I spend my days not working on them. I have panic attacks and and unemployed. Frankly, I'm not looking forward to my 42nd birthday with any great joy. I won't be the person I said I wanted to be a year ago.

I realized that writing in this blog was not helping me to reach my goals (other than the goal to write in the blog). I decided to take some time off (and figured that it wasn't like anyone would miss me, since I have few followers).

Unfortunately, it wasn't the blog that was keeping me from my goals. I remain the same person I was before. Nothing new has been accomplished. Sure, I rolled down a hill (it was fun! it was also on my 41 Things to Do List), but otherwise the time has resulted in few accomplishments.

Breaking bad habits is a hard task. I have years of inertia and fear built up. Breaking through this has been difficult. I have desire to do it but apparently not enough willpower.

I'm going to try again and I'll check in again soon with my report. I will definitely write again as my birthday nears (at the end of March). I want to be heading down the correct road when my birthday rolls around, even if I haven't found my destination.

Friday, February 4, 2011

February: A Chinese New Year and Another Clean Slate

Yesterday was the Chinese New Year. It is now the year of the Rabbit. While I am neither Chinese nor sure what Rabbits have to do with my year, I am taking this as an opportunity to start fresh.

January 1 is a time when many of us make resolutions, think about changing our lives, and otherwise see it as a clean slate to make a new life.

Back in January, I decided not to do resolutions because I was already spending the year trying to change my life.

If you have read any part of my blog this year, you'll know that I've had a hard time making any progress. I'm all good intentions with little follow through (or I get side tracked and the progress fades).

I decided yesterday that I would take this Chinese New Year as a sign that it isn't too late to change. I can still make a difference in my life and accomplish my goals. I just have to put some honest effort towards getting things done.

If you feel like your January resolutions have been getting a little dusty, do as I plan to do--take this Year of the Rabbit and start off running with your resolutions again. Sometimes we need more than one chance to get it right.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Monthly Evaluation: Birthday Countdown!

The end of January is already past, and since I was out of town, I did not do my normal evaluation of my progress. Perhaps it is for the best, since I've spent most of these months simply explaining how I've not made much progress and then setting goals for myself for the next month.

Not much different this time, I think.

I am less than two months until my birthday and all I've managed to prove with this year is that habits are really hard to break. Having been one type of person for 41 years, I am having difficulty being a different kind of person for my 42nd year. I wanted to improve some of my flaws, particularly the procrastinating and disorganized part, and find a career/life for myself which I could be happy with, but I continue to be unemployed, messy/disorganized, and procrastinating.

It is very discouraging to find that good intentions are harder to turn into good, consistent action. I am excellent at planning to change. The problem, for me, is always in the execution.

In the same way, I am excellent at planning novels, but the actual job of writing them seems to be much harder to maintain.

Even things I really want to do (my novels, my 41 Things To Do list, etc.) are pushed off. I have started so many projects over the past few months but can point to hardly anything I've finished.

All I can do is hope that my increasing frustration with myself and the upcoming deadline will force me to get myself into gear and get some things done.