The irony is that I am writing in a blog about seeking the "real me" when I'm always both "real" and "me" at any moment of my life. We all are. Perhaps I'm not certain that I'm happy with where my life is right now (unemployed with too many goals undone at 41), but I'm still "me."
If you are like me, you plan and dream and make lists--and meanwhile life goes on, sometimes not the way you had hoped.
This year is moving by so fast. Seems like every year speeds up (and I hear that it just gets faster as I get older) so I need to get moving on my goals now or I may never get to them.
On the other hand, some days I just don't feel up to doing much of anything. Yesterday should have been a great day for accomplishing things. I had been busy the day before. I had a list of things which needed to be accomplished (several are time sensitive) and yet yesterday I got very little done. Meanwhile, life is moving on, whether I am moving with it or not.
I have always been better at the planning than the doing. I am great about dreaming about what I want my future to be like, but not great at the follow through. I have a half dozen unfinished projects laying around the house. I have a long list of things I want to do. When will they get done? I don't know.
Meanwhile, I had a preliminary interview two weeks ago for a job which I really want and which would be a good fit for me--and was told I'd hear back in 1-1.5 weeks and still there is silence. I even emailed her to give her some references, hoping that this might shake lose a reply--nothing. I had a few jobs to apply for but I held off, hoping that this interview was going to lead to an offer right away--and now I have nothing to show for it. I should have followed through on those other applications; I guess I will do so for those which are still available.
So, my life continues and I'm still more in the planning stages than the doing.
This is a reminder to myself, and to those out there reading, we need to do things NOW, right this moment. Who we are right now is important and that person who we are right now needs to be doing things--and if we don't pursue the things we want right now, life will move on and we will still be stuck in the same place.
I'm trying to improve my life--hoping that giving myself a deadline will kick myself out of this "someday" mode of dreaming and will get me moving to actually live my life as I want it to be. For me this means following through on unfinished tasks (including writing my novel), throwing myself into my passions (including my volunteer work), and finding a career to pursue. It doesn't mean letting life go by--like it did yesterday.
When I turn 42, I'll still be "me" but will I be the "real me" (the "me" which I want to be--a fulfilling life of doing rather than just dreaming)?
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Hi Real Me
ReplyDeleteUnproductive days are really hard to accept as part of our lives, but they are part of life too. I believe everyone has them at some point - it's just that we don't often get to hear about it. There are people too who are able just to let themselves go with the ebb and flow, the yin and yang that make up life.
Sometimes, especially for us folks who drive ourselves constantly to do and achieve, I think they are a way in which our whole self grabs for itself the essential rest and recuperation time that we would otherwise deny that we need.
Sometimes, they can be part of complicated games we play to sabotage our dreams with fears and self-dislike.
Knowing which is which, or what else might be going on, is even harder than just accepting those days we think we've wasted.
Something you are doing really well through this blog is observing yourself. One thing to try would be to pay more attention to your 'good' and 'bad' days. Try not to judge them and beat yourself up, just look and see if, for instance, there's any pattern to them. Do they correlate to anything else going on in your life? How exactly does each make you feel?
(For myself, I'm not too disciplined at studying patterns, but I have got a little better at accepting that I have both purposeful and vacant days, and both are fine in their place.)
Plus, a friendly advance warning for some things I'm just beginning to realise :) - even when you actually get around to doing what you want, it doesn't necessarily feel like how you imagined it would feel. The 'life in the future' demons come back with another set of tactics, and it all gets more interesting!
Good luck with this and the job hunting too - just keep throwing applications out there until something hits.
I know what you mean about "doing what you want, it doesn't feel like you imagined". When I graduated, I thought things would be better. It was a destination. Everything was on hold until then. I felt rather at a loss for what to do next after then.
ReplyDeleteI need to remember that life is a journey and not a destination.
Part of the problem this week is both that I have too much to do and also that the particular day I was upset about was one where I think I started out with too high an expectation of what I could accomplish.
My husband was going to be gone for a better part of the day and I thought that I would get a lot done because I'd be able to concentrate. Instead I got less done.....