We've just reached a new year and many people take this arbitrary moment in time to start fresh and new--to look forward and backward and make promises to themselves.
Many years back in our history, someone decided on a calendar system which was adopted in Western Civilization, and now on this anniversary of the start of the year, we act like we've reached a special date--one that requires self-improvement, fasts, and organizing.
In the same way, we often treat real anniversaries as a special marker to act differently. I'm approaching the 15th anniversary of marrying my best friend. Much like with the new year, I find myself thinking about our life and our future, as well as looking back at the past.
Like a new year's day, this marker, although in some ways almost as arbitrary (after all, we'd been together for longer, including 2.5 years of living together while engaged), still seems significant enough to warrant resolutions.
We're going to celebrate with a quick trip up the coast by train to a restaurant. It will be pleasant and not too expensive and gives us a feeling of taking a trip without the cost or the multi-day excursion.
I'm also finding myself sentimentally thinking of the past and wondering what life will be in the future. I know that there are some things I'd like to change about myself, including in our relationship--doesn't everyone have some problems?--but generally we are pretty happy. I do feel sad about our childless status, but frankly there are signs that this may not be physically possible for me anymore so unless we adopt (unlikely what with cost, age, etc.) I think this will not be in our future. I'm adjusting to that. I always put it off, figuring it would be in my future. Now that it isn't, things look different--generally good, but different.
We never know where we are going in life. We can plan and resolve and think, but life is what happens while we are doing those things. We can only try to be our best and see if we can make it to the next anniversary.
Showing posts with label self acceptance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self acceptance. Show all posts
Monday, January 3, 2011
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Accept/Expect: Finding the Balance for a Happy and Fulfilled Life
"I want to accept myself, yet also expect more of myself."
Gretchen Rubin, of the Happiness Project, often talks about self-improvement in ways that get me thinking about my own project to find myself (my own version of a happiness project, I suppose, although I've not defined it that way).
Recently she wrote about the balance between accepting and expecting. This was a thought which has surfaced for me a few months ago but not stated as clearly: if self-acceptance is important for happiness, where does the need to improve, strive, and change fit with the need to realize that we are good as we are?
It can be easy to beat oneself up while seeking to improve oneself. I can remember clearly the self-loathing and anger I'd feel while trying to lose weight. One time I was actually borderline for a eating disorder, my first year in college, and I would look at other young women and hate myself. I starved myself and did other dangerous things because I wanted to change and my need to change was driven by a deep hatred of who I was right then. Naturally, this was a terrible motivator and I eventually woke up to the dangers I was putting myself through. I managed to talk myself out of a very dark mindset, but my eating habits stayed negative for a long time and affected my health.
In a similar way, I am currently driven by a deep sense of dissatisfaction in my life which came up around my 41st birthday. I was in a job I hated (which, ironically, I lost within a week of starting this blog thanks to layoffs), having recently finished my Ph.D. but unable to find work in my field (still looking for work, 6 months after being laid off). I am childless, originally by choice since we delayed this for my schooling and then because it just didn't seem to happen, and every birthday reminds me of the increasing likelihood that we will never have kids. I want to write a novel but have done little to make progress on it (better but still a ways to go). I want to be organized but my house was a mess (this is improving). I had a long list of projects to accomplish but never seemed to finish any of them (also improving).
I know the dangers of change driven by an anger or hatred of one's self. It can cloud the judgment and also mask who we really are. My goal is to find out what will make me truly happy, to push myself to go for the life which will satisfy me, to improve myself but to also see myself for who I really am and find ways to make that work for me. It would be ridiculous to change myself into some other person because that person seems more successful. I'd never be happy that way. Sure, I envy some of my friends with their successes, but I'm a different person and there are different measures of success.
I'm seeking to make myself a better person--to accept who I am and make that person the best she can be, not to change myself into something I am not. It's the parts of me that don't work well, which hold me back and make me unhappy (the fear of failure which keeps me from finishing projects, the shyness which keeps me from making contacts, the depression which makes me become more disorganized) which I am trying to improve. That is where the expectations and striving come in.
The Real Me I hope to know better before I am 42 is not a different me--it's just a me who has worked past the obstacles holding her back from a happier life. Hopefully this Real Me will have figured out a way to make a living (finding a job which is more than just a paycheck--but hopefully one that pays!) and accomplish the goals she has set herself. I'm spending this year trying to get organized, accomplish goals, stretch myself a bit (with my 41 Things to Do Before I'm 42 list), and think a lot about what I want in life.
Part of what I want in life is the ability to accept who I am, including the fact that I'll be 42, childless, and maybe still unemployed--but very lucky to have a great husband, family, and potential. I can have a great life, striving to maintain the balance of self-acceptance and expectation, so that I can improve myself without hating who I am now.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Accomplishing a Lot – but Never Enough?
Have you ever felt like you got a lot done but still felt like you should have done better because you have so much you still need to do? I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I have been working hard on an event and getting caught up on a number of projects. I've gotten a lot done. Still, I look around at all that still needs to be done and I'm not satisfied.
I'm sure this is a common problem. It seems that many of us find it difficult to be happy with our accomplishments. There is always a way we could have been better, tried harder, done more, or whatever it is that comes to our mind. Sometimes it is true, but even if it is, we often gloss over our accomplishments to focus on what could have been.
This may be the bias our mind has for remembering the negative. There are studies that show that people tend to remember the negative more. If you give someone 5 compliments and one criticism, the criticism is the one that will stick in the mind more. In the same way, bad experiences can linger, overwhelming good ones. I know that one trip I took with my husband is like this. Although I know I had a lot of good times, there were some rough patches (our airline caused a lot of hassle and stress and my husband didn't handle it very well, which stressed me). When looking back though, I mostly remember the overall negative feeling about that vacation, which is a shame because I'd been looking forward to that trip for 10 years.
In the same way, I have been feeling like I'm not getting anything done--while accomplishing lots of stuff. While it is important for people to see that there are still things to be done (and ways to improve), it shouldn't be done at the expense of recognizing the victories as well. We need to be careful that the negative doesn't begin to overshadow our perceptions and make things seem worse than they are.
For that reason, I'm trying to pay attention to all the things I do right this week--the goals I accomplish, the projects I finish, the progress I make. I can acknowledge all the things that still need to be done or the ways I could be better, but I am working on also celebrating all that is right too.
I'm sure this is a common problem. It seems that many of us find it difficult to be happy with our accomplishments. There is always a way we could have been better, tried harder, done more, or whatever it is that comes to our mind. Sometimes it is true, but even if it is, we often gloss over our accomplishments to focus on what could have been.
This may be the bias our mind has for remembering the negative. There are studies that show that people tend to remember the negative more. If you give someone 5 compliments and one criticism, the criticism is the one that will stick in the mind more. In the same way, bad experiences can linger, overwhelming good ones. I know that one trip I took with my husband is like this. Although I know I had a lot of good times, there were some rough patches (our airline caused a lot of hassle and stress and my husband didn't handle it very well, which stressed me). When looking back though, I mostly remember the overall negative feeling about that vacation, which is a shame because I'd been looking forward to that trip for 10 years.
In the same way, I have been feeling like I'm not getting anything done--while accomplishing lots of stuff. While it is important for people to see that there are still things to be done (and ways to improve), it shouldn't be done at the expense of recognizing the victories as well. We need to be careful that the negative doesn't begin to overshadow our perceptions and make things seem worse than they are.
For that reason, I'm trying to pay attention to all the things I do right this week--the goals I accomplish, the projects I finish, the progress I make. I can acknowledge all the things that still need to be done or the ways I could be better, but I am working on also celebrating all that is right too.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Already Perfect?: Self-Acceptance, Self-Improvement, and Smugness
You may already by reading what is one of the most successful self-improvement blogs out there, Zen Habits. If so, you saw his recent post "you're already perfect." I have been a long-time reader of his blog, but Leo Z's change in blog style had already left me feeling cold about his blog for quite awhile. This post only continued that uneasy feeling.
He's right that most of the people reading such blogs, like Zen Habits and Unclutterer or the other half dozen personal finance/organizing/life tips blogs I have on my RSS feed, are there because they have things about themselves and their lives they want to improve. I certainly do. That's why I started this blog--to help me keep on track, to give me a place to think out loud a bit, and to share my journey with other people even just a little.
Where I think the post goes wrong is not in telling us that we are already perfect, because I certainly approve of self-acceptance, high self esteem, etc. I'd be the first to admit that I tend to be hard on myself and to be very critical of both myself and others; this is one of the things I hope to work on during my self-improvement project.
I was taken aback by two points: one, he jokes about how if you can be content with yourself as you are"You can be smug about it, like me." I wish that was completely a joke, but it is that smugness which radiates from Leo's blog for the past year which has turned me off of what was once my favorite self-improvement blog. He used to have interesting posts with specific tips; then he suddenly changed, both the style of writing and then the style of the site. The writing is now as bland, formless, blank, and (yes) smug as the uncluttered style of the site. I hate to think that accepting yourself has to turn a person into a smug individual, happy in his own superiority and way of doing things. That is the last thing I want for myself.
The second point that bothered me about this post was that he then recounts various things we should be grateful for--our eyes, hands, etc. I completely agree with being grateful for what we have. I am thrilled that my ears allow me to hear music or the birds currently outside my window; I'm happy to be able to read books I care about and to be able to dance (maybe not well, but enthusiastically) whenever I want. However, Leo words it in a way which I am afraid indicates that those who don't have those gifts, those who are blind, or deaf, or unable to walk, or use a hand, etc. are automatically not able to be perfect and be grateful for it. Maybe this is another example of smugness, the nonacknowledgment of privilege for the writer, but it certainly increased my discomfort with the post.
As for my feelings, I do think that I need to work on self-acceptance, but I don't believe that I am perfect. Nobody is perfect. That doesn't mean I can't accept myself, flaws and all. And that self-acceptance doesn't mean that I can't work to improve myself, to work to make myself a better person even while being grateful for who I am and how much I have.
I'm grateful to Leo for writing the article, not because I liked it or agreed with it (it actually furthers my belief that I may soon want to remove him from my RSS feed for being no longer worth my time), but because it helped me think about these issues. It was the most engagement I've had with his writing in almost a year and it made me think about what I want out of the self-improvement blogs I am reading.
He's right that most of the people reading such blogs, like Zen Habits and Unclutterer or the other half dozen personal finance/organizing/life tips blogs I have on my RSS feed, are there because they have things about themselves and their lives they want to improve. I certainly do. That's why I started this blog--to help me keep on track, to give me a place to think out loud a bit, and to share my journey with other people even just a little.
Where I think the post goes wrong is not in telling us that we are already perfect, because I certainly approve of self-acceptance, high self esteem, etc. I'd be the first to admit that I tend to be hard on myself and to be very critical of both myself and others; this is one of the things I hope to work on during my self-improvement project.
I was taken aback by two points: one, he jokes about how if you can be content with yourself as you are"You can be smug about it, like me." I wish that was completely a joke, but it is that smugness which radiates from Leo's blog for the past year which has turned me off of what was once my favorite self-improvement blog. He used to have interesting posts with specific tips; then he suddenly changed, both the style of writing and then the style of the site. The writing is now as bland, formless, blank, and (yes) smug as the uncluttered style of the site. I hate to think that accepting yourself has to turn a person into a smug individual, happy in his own superiority and way of doing things. That is the last thing I want for myself.
The second point that bothered me about this post was that he then recounts various things we should be grateful for--our eyes, hands, etc. I completely agree with being grateful for what we have. I am thrilled that my ears allow me to hear music or the birds currently outside my window; I'm happy to be able to read books I care about and to be able to dance (maybe not well, but enthusiastically) whenever I want. However, Leo words it in a way which I am afraid indicates that those who don't have those gifts, those who are blind, or deaf, or unable to walk, or use a hand, etc. are automatically not able to be perfect and be grateful for it. Maybe this is another example of smugness, the nonacknowledgment of privilege for the writer, but it certainly increased my discomfort with the post.
As for my feelings, I do think that I need to work on self-acceptance, but I don't believe that I am perfect. Nobody is perfect. That doesn't mean I can't accept myself, flaws and all. And that self-acceptance doesn't mean that I can't work to improve myself, to work to make myself a better person even while being grateful for who I am and how much I have.
I'm grateful to Leo for writing the article, not because I liked it or agreed with it (it actually furthers my belief that I may soon want to remove him from my RSS feed for being no longer worth my time), but because it helped me think about these issues. It was the most engagement I've had with his writing in almost a year and it made me think about what I want out of the self-improvement blogs I am reading.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Cleaning Out Old Decisions
I'm cleaning my closet out today. It is hard to part with clothing. Today I am getting rid of a beautiful sequined top I bought for my 10th reunion (1997) which I think I wore to special events twice. It doesn't fit me anymore, just like its beautiful flowing black skirt. I've had these in the back of my closet for ages and they survived several closet purgings because I told myself that I'd wear them again someday.
The same goes for three blazers I used to wear a lot in the early 90s. They are good quality and very practical in design. While they still fit, mostly, they are old and don't button closed (a little tight in the waist, but I never buttoned them anyways so I kept them for years, seldom wearing them).
I also found some clothes which I had bought recently but found that I didn't like that much. Some pulled funny (material issues) or just didn't suit me as well as I thought in the store. Because it is hard to admit that I'd made a mistake in buying these (and wasting money on things I'm not wearing), I had a hard time putting them on the donate stack as well.
However, that is what I've been doing. I have 8 items on the donate stack so far and will be adding more soon. The bad decisions of buying clothes that don't suit me are in the past. No use burdening my present self with those mistakes. The beautiful clothes of past days are not part of my future and I need to accept that. How will I have room for the beautiful clothes of my present and future self if I don't get rid of the old clothes from my past?
These are hard lessons to learn. I'm taking small steps by going through my closet. I'm also continuing my office clean out project.
It's hard to get rid of things sometimes because of what the things represent: old memories I want to keep, a sense that this thing will be useful in the future, or a decision which I don't want to admit was wrong. I think we all have this habit of investing our things with these extra invisible burdens. What I need to remember is that I will still have the memory (and, indeed, a picture) of my 10th reunion without having the dress I wore that night. Even if I lose some weight, I don't have very many events where I could wear that sort of dress, so I need to let it go. I can't hang onto it on the hypothetical hope that sometime it will both fit me and be suitable for an event (at the same time). The same goes for the other clothes and for many things in my office. I need room for my future and for that I need to let go of some of the less useful remnants of my past.
It is sort of like I was saying on Wed's post--I'm starting over on my quest. Both mentally and in some of my possessions, I have to let go of my past mistakes or past memories so that I can move forward.
The same goes for three blazers I used to wear a lot in the early 90s. They are good quality and very practical in design. While they still fit, mostly, they are old and don't button closed (a little tight in the waist, but I never buttoned them anyways so I kept them for years, seldom wearing them).
I also found some clothes which I had bought recently but found that I didn't like that much. Some pulled funny (material issues) or just didn't suit me as well as I thought in the store. Because it is hard to admit that I'd made a mistake in buying these (and wasting money on things I'm not wearing), I had a hard time putting them on the donate stack as well.
However, that is what I've been doing. I have 8 items on the donate stack so far and will be adding more soon. The bad decisions of buying clothes that don't suit me are in the past. No use burdening my present self with those mistakes. The beautiful clothes of past days are not part of my future and I need to accept that. How will I have room for the beautiful clothes of my present and future self if I don't get rid of the old clothes from my past?
These are hard lessons to learn. I'm taking small steps by going through my closet. I'm also continuing my office clean out project.
It's hard to get rid of things sometimes because of what the things represent: old memories I want to keep, a sense that this thing will be useful in the future, or a decision which I don't want to admit was wrong. I think we all have this habit of investing our things with these extra invisible burdens. What I need to remember is that I will still have the memory (and, indeed, a picture) of my 10th reunion without having the dress I wore that night. Even if I lose some weight, I don't have very many events where I could wear that sort of dress, so I need to let it go. I can't hang onto it on the hypothetical hope that sometime it will both fit me and be suitable for an event (at the same time). The same goes for the other clothes and for many things in my office. I need room for my future and for that I need to let go of some of the less useful remnants of my past.
It is sort of like I was saying on Wed's post--I'm starting over on my quest. Both mentally and in some of my possessions, I have to let go of my past mistakes or past memories so that I can move forward.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
4 Month Progress Report: Getting Started Again
I started this quest on March 28th. Here I am in July and I am starting all over again.
I am afraid that this is common in my life. I have lots of plans but the follow through can be a problem.
I've decided it is time, now that my big event from almost 2 weeks ago is done, to take stock of what I've done since my birthday and start fresh. I will forgive myself for falling short of my rather ambitious goals. It's important that I'm still on the journey.
Progress made:
I've kept up with this blog, missing only two of my posting days. This is the longest I've ever maintained a blog, although I had good intentions the three other times I started one (on various topics).
I've partially organized my home office (I can walk in it again--it had been the household equivalent of a junk drawer).
I've made my "41 Things To Do Before I'm 42" list and accomplished 5 things on it (I've got to get back to doing more of them).
I did some good unpaid work for several organizations (adding to my graphic design and publicity portfolio) and ran a large event 1.5 weeks ago which went well.
I was laid off from the job I wanted to quit the same week I started this blog. Although I've not found a paying job yet, I've applied to a lot of great places and remain hopeful.
Things to do:
I have a list of projects to do--and I need to finish a bunch of them which have been hanging around for a long time.
I have a novel to write and I want to get back to writing--preferably several hours each week will be set aside for writing--starting next week.
I want to do more with my "41 Things" list and have some great experiences.
Hopefully I'll find a job before my 42nd birthday--preferably something I like and feel motivated to do (instead of my last job which I took purely for the paycheck and hated every second of the day).
My Monthly Theme will be "Starting Fresh" and I will restart my quest. I will look at my to do list and my "41 Things" list and see what I can get accomplished. I've done so much in the past few months. I'm sure that if I set my mind to it, I can do even more now.
To anyone reading this blog, thank you for being on the journey with me. Do you have a quest you are trying to fulfill? Sometimes it is easier when you are on the journey with others. Comment here to share your quest.
I am afraid that this is common in my life. I have lots of plans but the follow through can be a problem.
I've decided it is time, now that my big event from almost 2 weeks ago is done, to take stock of what I've done since my birthday and start fresh. I will forgive myself for falling short of my rather ambitious goals. It's important that I'm still on the journey.
Progress made:
I've kept up with this blog, missing only two of my posting days. This is the longest I've ever maintained a blog, although I had good intentions the three other times I started one (on various topics).
I've partially organized my home office (I can walk in it again--it had been the household equivalent of a junk drawer).
I've made my "41 Things To Do Before I'm 42" list and accomplished 5 things on it (I've got to get back to doing more of them).
I did some good unpaid work for several organizations (adding to my graphic design and publicity portfolio) and ran a large event 1.5 weeks ago which went well.
I was laid off from the job I wanted to quit the same week I started this blog. Although I've not found a paying job yet, I've applied to a lot of great places and remain hopeful.
Things to do:
I have a list of projects to do--and I need to finish a bunch of them which have been hanging around for a long time.
I have a novel to write and I want to get back to writing--preferably several hours each week will be set aside for writing--starting next week.
I want to do more with my "41 Things" list and have some great experiences.
Hopefully I'll find a job before my 42nd birthday--preferably something I like and feel motivated to do (instead of my last job which I took purely for the paycheck and hated every second of the day).
My Monthly Theme will be "Starting Fresh" and I will restart my quest. I will look at my to do list and my "41 Things" list and see what I can get accomplished. I've done so much in the past few months. I'm sure that if I set my mind to it, I can do even more now.
To anyone reading this blog, thank you for being on the journey with me. Do you have a quest you are trying to fulfill? Sometimes it is easier when you are on the journey with others. Comment here to share your quest.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Teasing: A Victim Speaks (and Does It to Others)
Gretchen Rubin, over at the Happiness Project, has an interesting article about Teasing.
I had two rather contradictory reactions to this piece. She quotes David Dunning's book, Self-Insight: Roadblocks and Detours on the Path to Knowing Thyself.
Then she goes on to talk about how teasing seems funnier to the person doing the teasing and how her family did not tease each other. In the end she relates hearing a mother say to her daughter, "Hey, Messy Girl, are you planning to drag a brush through that rat's nest on your head?" and thinking that the girl was probably upset with this teasing.
First, I was teased a great deal growing up. It hurt. I've already related how I was teased as a child for being fat (even when I wasn't, really) and grew up feeling ugly and unlovable. I don't like teasing. People say "children can be so cruel" and they are right. The problem is that most people who say that are merely excusing it as a normal part of growing up--a sort of "boys will be boys" (so we don't have to deal with it). Teasing and bullying are frequently not far apart among youngsters. I find my memories of teasing very painful ones.
I've also experienced teasing as an adult. I volunteer for several groups and, in one of the groups, several older men apparently have a "wry" sense of humor (I guess that's how many people would put it) and come across as very grumpy, even mean. They say things which are probably viewed by them as teasing but, until I got used to the way they talked, seemed rather hurtful. I've since discovered that they are actually pretty nice guys and it is part of how they make you feel included in a group. Recently one of the men has stopped teasing me and I've realized that for him this is a bad sign, because he is unhappy with me because of some politics going on in that group. It has been hard for me to deal with these people because I couldn't really see what they were doing (their intent) over their seemingly hurtful words.
On the other hand, I know that I use sarcasm and teasing all of the time. I think it has become a bit of a defense mechanism. I'm not the first person to use self-deprecating humor and teasing (of myself and others) to ease my own sense of myself. I think I'm being funny but seeing this quote made me wonder if I was inflicting the same discomfort on other people when I thought I was doing a harmless teasing.
Perhaps that is why I only had a shrug for the example which Gretchen gives of the mother teasing her daughter about her hair. Depending on the tone of voice, age of daughter, and how public the statement was made, I just didn't see it as being that bad. I suppose if her voice was harsh and loud, her daughter is above the age of 8, and it was done in a room full of people who were looking at the daughter, this would be a very bad thing for the mother to do. Otherwise, I can see a daughter rolling her eyes at this (see my last post about mothers pushing daughters' buttons) but it isn't much in the way of teasing.
This article gave me a lot to think about. I'm going to watch myself a little more closely for awhile and see how often I am tempted to make teasing comments to people. Perhaps being more aware of my own tendencies will help.
What is your take on teasing? When is it allowable? Is it ever an acceptable way to talk to someone?
I had two rather contradictory reactions to this piece. She quotes David Dunning's book, Self-Insight: Roadblocks and Detours on the Path to Knowing Thyself.
“People commonly tease each other, but it appears that people who are teased misunderstand the intentions of the person doing the teasing. Often, teasing is done in a spirit of affection and playfulness, and teasers attempt to convey these intentions through subtle nonverbal cues. However those who are being teased tend to miss these benign aims. When they describe a time they teased their roommate, people tend to describe the action as more humorous and lighthearted than does the person being teased, who instead rates such incidents as more malicious and annoying. The good intentions of teasers are just not as obvious as teasers believe.” (Kruger, Gordon, Kuban, in press) (page 129)
Then she goes on to talk about how teasing seems funnier to the person doing the teasing and how her family did not tease each other. In the end she relates hearing a mother say to her daughter, "Hey, Messy Girl, are you planning to drag a brush through that rat's nest on your head?" and thinking that the girl was probably upset with this teasing.
First, I was teased a great deal growing up. It hurt. I've already related how I was teased as a child for being fat (even when I wasn't, really) and grew up feeling ugly and unlovable. I don't like teasing. People say "children can be so cruel" and they are right. The problem is that most people who say that are merely excusing it as a normal part of growing up--a sort of "boys will be boys" (so we don't have to deal with it). Teasing and bullying are frequently not far apart among youngsters. I find my memories of teasing very painful ones.
I've also experienced teasing as an adult. I volunteer for several groups and, in one of the groups, several older men apparently have a "wry" sense of humor (I guess that's how many people would put it) and come across as very grumpy, even mean. They say things which are probably viewed by them as teasing but, until I got used to the way they talked, seemed rather hurtful. I've since discovered that they are actually pretty nice guys and it is part of how they make you feel included in a group. Recently one of the men has stopped teasing me and I've realized that for him this is a bad sign, because he is unhappy with me because of some politics going on in that group. It has been hard for me to deal with these people because I couldn't really see what they were doing (their intent) over their seemingly hurtful words.
On the other hand, I know that I use sarcasm and teasing all of the time. I think it has become a bit of a defense mechanism. I'm not the first person to use self-deprecating humor and teasing (of myself and others) to ease my own sense of myself. I think I'm being funny but seeing this quote made me wonder if I was inflicting the same discomfort on other people when I thought I was doing a harmless teasing.
Perhaps that is why I only had a shrug for the example which Gretchen gives of the mother teasing her daughter about her hair. Depending on the tone of voice, age of daughter, and how public the statement was made, I just didn't see it as being that bad. I suppose if her voice was harsh and loud, her daughter is above the age of 8, and it was done in a room full of people who were looking at the daughter, this would be a very bad thing for the mother to do. Otherwise, I can see a daughter rolling her eyes at this (see my last post about mothers pushing daughters' buttons) but it isn't much in the way of teasing.
This article gave me a lot to think about. I'm going to watch myself a little more closely for awhile and see how often I am tempted to make teasing comments to people. Perhaps being more aware of my own tendencies will help.
What is your take on teasing? When is it allowable? Is it ever an acceptable way to talk to someone?
Friday, April 30, 2010
The Fantasy of What I Could Be
About two years ago I read a fabulous life-changing article called:
The Fantasy of Being Thin
I had the FoBT in spades. Like many women, I was waiting for my life to begin after I lost weight. I needed a new coat, for instance, but didn't want to spend the money until I lost 20-40 pounds. I had so many plans but felt like they wouldn't be able to come true (or wouldn't really count) until I lost some weight.
I can remember as a child hearing "you are such a pretty girl, if you just....." There was always a qualifying statement. Need to stand up straighter. Need to lose some weight. Need to close my mouth. Need to ....whatever.
Never mind that I wasn't very overweight as a child. I look back now on those pictures and I am shocked. Sure, I was never petite. I was tall for my age and my bones are thick so I could be skin and bones and I would never be described as "delicate." I was a little chubby, perhaps, but never by much--not until years of dieting and hating myself caused more weight gain in my late teens (particularly once I was in college).
Still, like many young girls, I suffered through a lot of teasing as a child. We moved a lot; I was an only child. I was probably too smart for my own good (smarts are really not valued in women until college age or older--let's face it, smart young girls find things can be a bit tough). I was impossibly shy and rather scared of life. One of my big problems was that I believed myself to be fat. In fact, I believed I wasn't just a little fat, but so fat that no one could possibly love me, let alone like me. I was convinced of it and it shaped my world.
Fast forward to a year or two ago, when I stumbled across a little article (linked above) that told me that I could learn to accept who I am today and get on with my life. I shouldn't have to wait for some mythical fantasy of what my life could be like when I accomplished the things I wanted (like weight loss) but could do the stuff I want now, if I would just believe in myself as I am now.
Powerful stuff.
I wanted to share it with all of you out there who might stumble across my blog. Whatever things have been holding you back--the Fantasy which will make your life better--when you get more money or lose weight or finish your education or find a boyfriend or ....whatever. You need to give that fantasy up. It doesn't mean that you won't get more money or finish your education or whatever the Fantasy is. I'm not telling you to give these things up, necessarily.
I am asking you to stop waiting for that mythical point when you will have "arrived" and life will be better because you've gotten that Fantasy. You need to accept who you are NOW, right now, in this stage of your journey. Do the things you have been wanting to do.
I have a beautiful coat which makes me feel sexy. I didn't have to wait until I lost weight. If I should lose weight in the future, I can get a new coat. Then again, the same goes with if I gain weight. Really, my life will go on just the same. There are things out there I need to do and I can't sit around and put life on hold because of some goal which may or may not be reasonable.
Learning to love myself is a difficult journey, one that I don't manage to the same extent every day, probably nobody does. I can't say that I don't look in the mirror and think I'd be better if I just lost a few pounds. That thought does come back. Old habits are hard to break.
However, I urge everyone to do as I am trying to do--work on self-acceptance and live life to the fullest now--as you are now. Because who you are now is worth it. We are worth it--just as we are.
P.S.: Before I get a bunch of comments about losing weight and how I should go about it, please look at the same site's FAQ and some of the links there. Thanks.
The Fantasy of Being Thin
I had the FoBT in spades. Like many women, I was waiting for my life to begin after I lost weight. I needed a new coat, for instance, but didn't want to spend the money until I lost 20-40 pounds. I had so many plans but felt like they wouldn't be able to come true (or wouldn't really count) until I lost some weight.
I can remember as a child hearing "you are such a pretty girl, if you just....." There was always a qualifying statement. Need to stand up straighter. Need to lose some weight. Need to close my mouth. Need to ....whatever.
Never mind that I wasn't very overweight as a child. I look back now on those pictures and I am shocked. Sure, I was never petite. I was tall for my age and my bones are thick so I could be skin and bones and I would never be described as "delicate." I was a little chubby, perhaps, but never by much--not until years of dieting and hating myself caused more weight gain in my late teens (particularly once I was in college).
Still, like many young girls, I suffered through a lot of teasing as a child. We moved a lot; I was an only child. I was probably too smart for my own good (smarts are really not valued in women until college age or older--let's face it, smart young girls find things can be a bit tough). I was impossibly shy and rather scared of life. One of my big problems was that I believed myself to be fat. In fact, I believed I wasn't just a little fat, but so fat that no one could possibly love me, let alone like me. I was convinced of it and it shaped my world.
Fast forward to a year or two ago, when I stumbled across a little article (linked above) that told me that I could learn to accept who I am today and get on with my life. I shouldn't have to wait for some mythical fantasy of what my life could be like when I accomplished the things I wanted (like weight loss) but could do the stuff I want now, if I would just believe in myself as I am now.
Powerful stuff.
I wanted to share it with all of you out there who might stumble across my blog. Whatever things have been holding you back--the Fantasy which will make your life better--when you get more money or lose weight or finish your education or find a boyfriend or ....whatever. You need to give that fantasy up. It doesn't mean that you won't get more money or finish your education or whatever the Fantasy is. I'm not telling you to give these things up, necessarily.
I am asking you to stop waiting for that mythical point when you will have "arrived" and life will be better because you've gotten that Fantasy. You need to accept who you are NOW, right now, in this stage of your journey. Do the things you have been wanting to do.
I have a beautiful coat which makes me feel sexy. I didn't have to wait until I lost weight. If I should lose weight in the future, I can get a new coat. Then again, the same goes with if I gain weight. Really, my life will go on just the same. There are things out there I need to do and I can't sit around and put life on hold because of some goal which may or may not be reasonable.
Learning to love myself is a difficult journey, one that I don't manage to the same extent every day, probably nobody does. I can't say that I don't look in the mirror and think I'd be better if I just lost a few pounds. That thought does come back. Old habits are hard to break.
However, I urge everyone to do as I am trying to do--work on self-acceptance and live life to the fullest now--as you are now. Because who you are now is worth it. We are worth it--just as we are.
P.S.: Before I get a bunch of comments about losing weight and how I should go about it, please look at the same site's FAQ and some of the links there. Thanks.
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